Buffalo, NY—Last week the Wall Street Journal reported porn star Stormy Daniels received $130,000 in payments prior to the 2016 election to remain silent about a 2006 affair with Donald Trump. Both Trump and Daniels have denied the relationship occurred, which prompted local author P.A.Kane, Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly, to announce he too would be willing to deny a sexual relationship with the President in lieu $200,000 payment.
It is unclear if Kane even knows Trump, but thinks his election was the biggest con ever perpetrated against the working people of America. Once the check clears however, he said he would never tell a soul that Trump likes to be called: “Big Daddy Rump Rump,” while gently having his pasty white ass kneaded like it was pizza dough.
Kane went on to say that he would withhold information about the numerous boasts Trump made regarding the suppleness of his lips and the magic he could perform with his pinky finger. He would strenuously deny Trump ever held up his petite, money grubbing hands and brag, “I can tell you this, with just my pinky I’ll make you sing like a siren. Believe me.”
He would also forever remain quiet about the time in the Oval Office when he and Trump acted out the “Indian Removal Act of 1830,” in their tighty whities. The Act led to the relocation of thousands of Native Americans from ancestral lands to shithole parts of the South and Oklahoma. Many died along the way from exposure and starvation on what became known as the “The Trail Of Tears.” Kane said he would remain mum about how Trump, as Andrew Jackson chased him around the Oval Office, brandishing his pinky finger, while he played the opposition role of Henry Clay. Breathlessly, Trump would huff: “Henry, Henry… c’mon let’s get together on this. Let’s march all the brown people away.”
Additionally, Kane vowed not theorize about the tough guy persona being a ruse and that deep down all Trump really wants is to be loved. Sent away to military school as a young man and later mentored by the despicable and unyielding Roy Cohn, Trump grew hard around the edges, yet secretly craved approval and love. He is loath to tell anyone Trump likes his head gently stroked while being held and told: “There, there, Big Daddy Rump Rump, you’re a good boy. And yes, your button is bigger than both Kim Jong Un’s and… and Vladimir Putin’s.” The Putin thing makes him especially happy—but you didn’t hear that from Kane.
Trump responded to these non-accusations, accusations by saying: “Kane is a total loser and is using me to sell his really boring coming of age novel set in 1979 Buffalo. He has only been able to get one women to marry him twenty-five years ago, he sends his kids to state schools and his pick up truck is a decade old. Except for that stuff about the magic of my pinky finger and the size of my button, his satire site is total fake news and he is a total loser. Believe me.”
Sources say Kane is laying low, enjoying the delights of another Buffalo winter and is hoping not to say anything, to anyone, anymore.
