The Return Of Buffman


By David P. Zach—Senior Mud Contributor.

Good news snowflakes: Marvel Studios has contracted with Martin Scorsese to bring their beloved superhero Buffman to the big screen!

Buffman was a staple of early comics and 1950s TV serials, but he fell out of favor with popular culture during a mid-eighties revival that reimagined him as a single dad struggling to raise three lovable but exasperating daughters with his senile uncle. The new movie will reportedly be an origin story, revisiting the character’s dark beginnings: Born Shawn Ralph O’Shawnessey in Riverside to wealthy but careless parents during the debauchery of the Roaring Twenties, Buffman froze his nuts off in the Blizzard of ’43. No longer consumed by trying to score with the girls, Buffman answered  a higher calling: keeping the streets of Buffalo safe from crime and evil. Notable stories in the canon include “Buffman vs. Goebbels”, “Buffman and the Snowman’s Curse” and the controversial “Buffman Embraces the Metric System”.

Marvel states that the movie WILL exist in the current MCU (Marvel Comics Universe); Tony Stark and Captain America are rumored to have cameos. In a departure from past Marvel films, Buffman is introduced to the Avengers not by Samuel Jackson’s eye-patch-wearing Nick Fury, but by his old college roommate Bruce Banner. Buffman had been oblivious to his meek friend’s alter ego throughout college, until they went to a Superbowl Party in 1991. The combination of copious tequila and Scott Norwood sent Banner into a green rage that destroyed most of the Kappa Douche Kappa house (R.I.P. Jimmy “The Wingman” Brutowski). Initial reports from the writer’s room claim the movie will take place in 2020, when a fictional 239 lb. president obsessed with penis size and blinded by cheeto dust has lost control of the nuclear arsenal.

Seeking the kind of success found by “Deadpool”, the film will be rated a “hard-R” with adult language, gratuitous violence and extensive full frontal male nudity. Fran Drescher is in talks to play the female love interest, a brain surgeon with a sexy dark side; Andy Sirkis has been floated for a radioactive Tom Brady as the antagonist. As part of the current, hip ‘feel’ the filmmakers are shooting for, the soundtrack will be written by Sting, and recorded solely on the lute.

Filming is scheduled to begin early 2019 in British Columbia.


About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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