Washington, D.C.—Tiffany Trump, the daughter of the former president Donald Trump from his only American wife, Marla Maples, reached out to January 6th Select Committee chairman Bennie Thompson (D. MS) this past weekend with an offer to testify before the bi-partisan body. After considering what Ms. Trump, a recent graduate of Georgetown Law, had to offer in the way of relevant information the committee chose to pass.
Representative Adam Schiff (D. CA) explained that he and other members of the Select Committee were grateful to any American who stepped forward to contribute to the investigation, but Ms. Trump not only didn’t have any relevant information, she barely knew her father. Said Schiff, “Quite frankly, based on social media posts alone, we found I’m much more on the former president’s mind than Tiffany. Furthermore, we told her, recounting the times he threw plates against the wall, called Don Jr. and Eric meatheads or made creepy passes at your girlfriends, while disturbing, doesn’t really get at what we’re trying to accomplish here.”
Tiffany acknowledged she has been unsuccessful in her efforts to obtain even the most basic consideration from her father and reaching out to the committee was a longshot for a little attention. Despondently she said, “He doesn’t seem to realize, now that I’m a lawyer, I could bring the crazy like Rudy and Sidney. On top of that I could also incessantly whine and complain about how unfairly he’s treated by both the fake news and the Unselect Committee just like my dumb half-brothers, Don Jr. and Eric. And the family grift . . . that china doll, Ivanka and slim suit, Kushner would have nothing on me. But, he just won’t give me a chance.”
The only thing that seemed to get the former president’s attention at all was when Tiffany briefly spent some time at the Egg McMuffin table with local author P.A.Kane the day he departed from Washington for the last time on January 20, 2021. Through surrogate Hope Hicks, Tiffany was informed the President will not tolerate any of his children associating with people whose numbers are as terrible as Kane’s. Currently, Kane is ranked the 1.5 millionth most popular author on Amazon.
Tiffany went on to say, “I suppose if I pursued a relationship with Kane that would have eventually got his attention and produced a showdown. But as much as I want that, I don’t think it’s in my best interest to be associated with someone with such terrible numbers either. I’m considering other avenues like doing the non-binary thing, maybe dating Jim Acosta or becoming a member of Antifa.”
Tiffany said she used to dream about how her fate might have been different if her mother was Croatian or Czechoslovakian rather than American, but ultimately that was a dead end and it’s healthier just to play the hand she was dealt.