Local Author Running Out Of Excuses To Avoid Playing Golf


West Seneca, N.Y.—Local author P.A. Kane is running out of excuses to avoid playing golf. Earlier this week, he told his partner in the South Park Men’s League, Jessie Holmes he misunderstood the time they were supposed to play and made other plans. Today he cited a looming deadline that would prevent him from the self-torture of the links. Not comfortable coming up with these constant excuses Kane is thankful the men’s league is finally winding down and that he’ll be leaving for a cross-country trip later in August.  

At one time, before marriage and family took up all of his time, the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author was a respectable twelve to fifteen handicap. But the years long absence from the game left his skills eroded and when he started to play again he could barely break one-hundred like a beginner. 

Of his diminished play Kane said, “Bottom line is I hate sucking. Everybody tries to tell me it’s not about that—it’s about spending time with friends and enjoying a beautiful day. Well, instead of the frustration of four putting, dumping balls in the lake or dribbling my drive off the tee I can spend time with friends on my back porch drinking beer and swirling whiskey. When we’re drinking beer and swilling whiskey I don’t have to see anybody get their golf cool on smoking a dumb cigar or hear them play “American Girl” for the millionth fucking time on a tinny phone in their cart. Also, I have a dog and enjoy the beautiful day- everyday- taking her for a walk. She chases squirrels while I look at the clouds and listen to the squawking geese—such complainers. But there’s none of this skulling the ball out of the sandtrap, shanking it into the woods or trying to hit it off the side of a hill.

Kane said the pressure from his brothers and friends to play has been intense in recent years, but he held strong until the fateful night when Holmes texted him early in the spring and asked him to be his partner. “You feel bad always telling everybody no. So I’m half in the bag and I get this text from Holmes—all of sudden I’m Venmoing the commissioner the league fee and I’m in. How bad could it be I thought? First time out a fifty-four and since then nothing below a forty-five—all of it torture. Self-imposed torture in the service of trying not to disappoint a friend.”

While tired of coming up with excuses not to play Kane thinks the only long term solution to his golf problem would be to finally just get rid of his clubs, shoes and everything else once and for all. Thinking on that for a moment he doubted he could ever be that kind to himself.