Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon” Results In Area Dad Losing His Shit

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Buffalo, NY—Cliff Fandango, a Biology teacher at South Park High School has become totally frustrated with his nine-month old son Finn Fandango. On several occasions the elder Fandango has lost his shit over having to read the classic children’s book Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd to his son forty-to-fifty times a night.

Fandango isn’t sure how it happened but his son has become insistent that he read him the book over and over and over every night otherwise he throws tantrums that go on for hours.

“Aside from this quirk Finn’s a  really happy, well-adjusted kid who eats and sleeps well and has hit all his development goals right on schedule,” Fandango said. “And during the day you can read him any old book, even those shitty Berenstain Bears books. But if I’m around at bedtime I have to read that fucking Goodnight Moon, and it’s driving me nuts.”

Karen Fandango, Cliff’s wife, thinks it has something to do with her husband’s delivery. “He has this nice lilting reading voice, which he uses to perfect effect. The way he reads is just so calming . . .

Finn Fandango

                                        In the great green room 
                                        There was a telephone
                                       And a red balloon
                                        And a picture of
                                        The cow jumping over the moon

It’s so lovely the first three or four times, but by the tenth time it gets really obnoxious and by the fortieth both Cliff and I are ready to lose our shit. The second he’s done with the last line little Finn is like, “Da Da moo? Da Da moo?”

The Fandangos have tested several different strategies to alleviate the issue. They’ve tried skipping naps to tire him out. They’ve tried letting him scream till he falls asleep. They’ve tried having Cliff  slip out to the bar after dinner. But none of these strategies have worked and according to Fandango, “It’s no fun reading that book forty-to-fifty times half-sloshed. Night after night, reading after reading, it’s always the same, “Da Da moo? Da Da moo?”

As they look for a strategy that works there have been missteps. “I’m not proud of it,” said Fandango, “but I have semi lost it on several occasions. One time I was so sick of Finn’s shit, I read: Where The Wild Things Are ; The Snowy Day and The Very Hungry Caterpillar while he screamed and screamed at the top of his lungs. I even read him some Berenstain Bears with all that brother bear and sister bear bullshit. I felt like a real asshole later, but while I was doing it . . .. it felt fucking great”

After consulting with their pediatrician the Fandangos are seeking the help of a behavior specialist.

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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