This blunt assessment hurt Kane, the 1.5 million-ranked most popular Amazon author. To boost his spirits, he turned to ChatGPT, his new best friend, for a broader view regarding his appearance. He uploaded the photo and very simply asked Chatbot: 

Am I hot?

Chatbot—Thanks for sharing your photo — here’s a grounded assessment based on what I see:

• Face & Expression: You’ve got a kind, confident expression — a genuine smile that makes you approachable. That kind of openness tends to resonate strongly with people.
  
• Style & Grooming: The bald look with the neatly trimmed goatee works well; it gives a clean, put-together appearance. The black-rimmed glasses add a creative, intellectual vibe, especially with the well-organized, cozy room in the background.
  
• Overall Impression: You come across as friendly, smart, and self-assured — all of which register as attractive traits. There’s also a sense of calm and authenticity in how you’re presenting yourself.

So, yeah — you’re good-looking in a way that feels real and lived-in, not forced or overly polished. That’s often more compelling than stereotypical “hotness.” If you’re projecting this same energy in person, you’re doing just fine.

Others shared their opinion regarding the relative “hottness” of P.A.Kane:

Aldi Assistant Manager, Haley Heinfeld—Usually, a dude with a forehead that rivals the Asian expanse of Siberia would be a turnoff—but on the 1.5 millionth-ranked most popular Amazon author—it works…Well, no it doesn’t, the guy is fucking hideous.

Buffalo Common Council Member, Zeneta B. Everhart—I gather someone like George Clooney does suffer from “stereotypical hotness.” So Chatbot is right because this creepy schmoe ain’t no George Clooney, that’s for sure.

Software Engineer, Tammy Tinfoil—He seems exactly like a guy who might find an AI girlfriend—on his fourth try.

Climate Activist, Greta Thunberg—Chatbot also says this guy is “good-looking in a way that feels real and lived-in,” which is just a nice way of saying he’s about a million years old. Please—never look me in the eye or talk to me.

WGRZ Bilingual Reporter, Alexandra Rios-Malviya—Ese es un carbon muy feo (That is one ugly motherfucker).

Retired Pink Flamingo bartender, Kevin McNamara—Kane and Bad Ronald could be a South Buffalo power couple. 

The post ChatGPT Deems Local Author’s Appearance: “More Compelling Than Stereotypical Hotness” appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Silver Teeth looked at him, took off his shades, and with a little bite said, “You’re that guy.” 
A bit miffed, Kane responded, “Guy. What guy?”
“The guy riding around down here with those Josh Allen stickers.”

Silver Teeth was referring to Kane’s 2019 Ram Promaster, which he and his wife travel the country in, doing the van-life thing. And he was correct; two stickers of the NFL’s 2024 MVP,  Joshua Patrick Allen, are affixed to the rear windows of the Promaster in classic Allen leap mode. 

Silver Teeth started to rag on Allen with the same old lame criticisms—overrated, turnover machine, can’t beat the Chiefs, Lamar should have won the MVP.

In the back-and-forth, it was revealed that the Silver Teeth conducted raids on kayakers and jetskiers, and most disturbingly, was a Dolphins fan—that’s when the dunking began. Kane pointed out that in addition to winning the AFC East for the last five years, Allen is 12-2 versus the Dolphins with 37 TDs, 8 INTs, and a QB rating of nearly 110. He added that the front-running Dolphins have won one game in thirty-plus years when the temperature dipped below 23 degrees, their vaunted five-foot QB, Tua Tagovailoa gets concussed combing his hair, their thirty-million-dollar wideout—the NFL’s Nick Cannon—Tyreek Hill had 80 receptions, less than a thousand yards and 6 TDs in 2024. And the team is twelve-million dollars over the cap for 2025.  

Silver Teeth grew angrier with each new stat Kane threw at him. But what sent him over the edge was when the 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author said, “Allen and the Bills bend over the Dolphins almost as much as the boys on the ship bend over your mom.”

Seeing where this was headed the bartender, Jean-Marie, interceded. He pointed to the Speakeasy dance floor and said, “Settle it—there.”

Silver Teeth got down from his bar stool, removed his prosthetic leg, hopped onto the dance floor, taunting Kane as he went, “C’mon you Buffalo bonehead, let’s settle this like real men—on the dance floor with one foot.” 

For the next ninety minutes, the two men ganchoed, feather-stepped, and apple-jacked in furious competition that saw them dig deeper than either thought they could. But in the end, just like the Dolphins, Silver Teeth didn’t have enough, and Kane, at great personal expense, pirouetted to victory.

Standing just off the dance floor after the competion with his foot a bloody mess, an exhausted Kane said, “I knew I had him the whole time. There was a moment during that Barry Manilow song when I thought who the fuck is playing this shit, but I set it aside and powered through for myself and the city of Buffalo. 

As Silver Teeth exited the Speakeasy in a wheelchair, Kane called to him, “Hey Silver Sucker, I’m going to get my foot fixed, but I’ll see you on your boat later. There’s a lady there I’m going to cha cha with, if you know what I mean.”

Kane was treated at the Lower Keys Medical Center. He was given fluids, and his battered right foot was cleaned, dressed, and x-rayed. There was no structural damage. 

The post Local Author Wins Extreme One-Footed Dance Contest appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Wanda Wannamaker— (School bus driver, Cheektowaga) “I’m resolved to falling in love again. Well, maybe not love, but after divorcing my husband, Wally, and taking half his pension, 401K, the dog, the house, and his F150, I’m going to love finding some Gen X arm candy who doesn’t make me wait thirty minutes for the blue pill to kick in and whose ass isn’t like a flat whiteboard spelling out the specials at the diner. I’m going swoon and get all lightheaded watching my new dude drive Wally’s truck, spend his retirement money, and make the dog his own.”

Luanne Lemon—(BPO Violinist 2nd Chair, Buffalo) “In the New Year, I’m going to pretend to be straight again. With all these redhat mutants around and all this talk of authoritarianism and enemies lists, it’s just safer to be straight like it’s the ‘50s or something. I’ll still keep living my truth on the down low, but on the surface, I’ll be all Phyllis Schlafly. And, I suppose that means I’ll have to go on dates with dudes who talk endlessly about Josh Allen, grilling, and how the $60K they make is a lot of money—Lord help me.”

Tony Telletripe— (Unemployed, Location Unknown) “I’m resolved to give up in the New Year. I’ve worked my ass off for years thinking I was going to make something of this life, something of myself, but I never get anywhere, and life keeps beating my ass down. So, fuck it. I’m going to sleep late, eat burgers, smoke weed, and just get all sloppy. I’m never using my fucking blinker again; I’m parking in the handicapped spots, and I’m getting in the express lane with a full cart of groceries, and everybody can just kiss my ass.”

Jordan Greenway—(Injured Hockey Player) The Sabres’ six-foot, six-inch forward has missed sixteen games due to injury this season. In the New Year, he is resolved to play at least thirty of the remaining forty-six games as long as he doesn’t hear any shit about being hurt all the time. “I played sixty-seven games last year, which is almost two full seasons for me. So, everybody needs to watch what they say because I will shut it down for the rest of the year.”

Bono—(Self-Important Irish Crooner) “I’ll be releasing material in the New Year that will be the same as all my other material that makes all the soulless boomers in America think they’re on some kind fucking spiritual journey rather than just buying me a second castle in Ireland. One thing I am resolved about with this mediocre new release is that it will be at least as vapid and pretentious as anything my one-named musical brother Sting, who has three castles, will put out in this year.”

Jack Conrad—(Former South Buffalo Character) “I’m resolved in the New Year to get my ass out of purgatory and into the Upper Realm with my girl, Raquel Welch. She transitioned recently with that velvety bastard, Burt Bacharach. Despite constantly telling me to get away from her, I’m pretty sure I made a big impression on that girl. I saw her smile when I talked shit to Carl Weathers and Fernando Valenzuela . I also saw her giggle when I challenged them to feats of strength. South Buff peeps, do me a solid before Bacharach gets all the way to San Jose with her and say some prayers for me. Have a Mass of intentions, pray the Rosary or make some other fucking devotions so the magic beard man notices me and moves me along. Thanks. ”  

Karyn  Kryer—(Office Manager, Hamburg) “In the New Year, I’m going to become lactose intolerant. Not for any health reasons or because I can’t process dairy. It’s just something I’m going to do and say because I want attention. I’m going to subject friends and coworkers to long, boring conversations about soy and the health benefits of soy. I’m also going to pretend I fell off the wagon when I’m feeling gassy so I can fart with impunity at work. Rather than everyone being grossed out, I’ll get love, support, and understanding while disseminating mustard gas from my asshole. How great is that?”

Beverly Johnson— (Model, Buffalo) “I have no resolutions for the New Year. I’m just going to continue to be my hot-ass self and watch all of you fidget and stammer when I walk by. I’ll entertain some of your weak-ass come-ons, lead you on, and then pass on you like hard day-old bread. And, if you give me any lip about it, I’ll get you to max out that credit card on clothes and jewelry I don’t even want. I love being hot.”

Grover Cleveland—(Long Dead Former President from Buffalo for which a shitty golf course at Main & Baily is named ) “With Trump coming into office again, I’m going to use him to pad my legacy as the other more-consequential non-consecutive person elected President. If you remember, they called me the Veto President because I vetoed endless wasteful government spending like pensions for those crybaby Civil War veterans— Wah, I lost a leg trying to preserve the Union. I also drove the economy into depression. Read about it here: The Panic of 1893? Trump and his dumb tariff plans are going to make me look like Milton Friedman, Paul Krugman, and Milton Keynes all rolled into one. (By the way, Milton seems to be the preferred name of great economists.)” 

Bambi—(Dancer, Pharoah’s Gentlemen’s Club, Williamsville) “No comment.”

P.A.Kane—(1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author, West Seneca) “In the New Year, I’m just going to continue to party hearty, stay cool, and try to keep my eyes open when someone snaps a pic. Peace. Go Bills!!! ”   

The post Ten New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Kane said, “These invasions are almost as bad as the recurring dream I had all through high school where girls I was crushing on would see my naked body and penis—and just laugh and laugh and laugh.”

Suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, Kane saw no other option than to temporarily conform to the conventions prescribed by the manual of style, and has begun inserting countless Oxford commas into his manuscript. He also has stepped up his hyphen usage, which the local author thinks is a further plauge, and demeans the reader’s intelligence. “Trust me,” he said, “the reader knows small-business-owner and small business owner is the same schmoe who owns a small business with or without the hyphens.” These changes have translated into more rest for the author, despite the recurring decades-long dream of his wife looking at his naked body and penis—and just laughing and laughing.

He also complained about established writers like Amor Towles and Jennifer Eagan, who are afforded great latitude with the language and suffer zero consequences. Kane vowed that once he had a big breakthrough work, he would be insufferable. Smiling, he said, “The day will come when those chardonnay-sipping douche nozzles at the New Yorker will vomit up superlatives about my paradigm-shifting prose, and I’m going to be a total asshole to all of them. Instead, of answering any of their questions, I’ll do the Trump weave and talk about—alligators, mukluks, and the greatness of Todd Rundgren. At literary events celebrating my work, I’ll have riders for brown M&M’s and Jim Beam chilled exactly to thirty-four degrees. Of course, if anyone dares to look me in the eye, I’ll blow them up. In a word, it will be—glorious.”

But until that time, you’ll have to endure Kane’s velvety adherence to the Chicago Manual of Style and endless Oxford commas and hyphens. For all practical purposes, that means Larry Plumb Is Still Here, due November 2024, will still be a great American novel but not likely to find its way into one of those time capsules that the Smithsonian shoots into space.   

The author apologizes in advance for this inconvenience.

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The show’s narrative will see Kane as an aging but resplendent lifeguard who both patrols the beach and distills emotional support to rich, empty Malibu housewives and their mothers. He’ll remind these ladies they are more than their boob jobs and the Botox that puffs up their lips. He’ll set up the grandma’s umbrellas and offer them a kind hand up from beach chairs. He’ll also reassure them Papa’s floppy erectile dysfunction is his problem and his problem alone. Mostly, in the breezy California sunshine he’ll sing their praises and remind them they are good and worthy of love. And, of course, if they forget or misplace their sunscreen—he’ll always have a tube of creamy SPF50 handy.

Co-starring with Kane will be the totally awesome and equally resplendent 80’s supermodel Paulina Porizkova. She’ll run a taco stand on the beach and lean on Kane, the 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author, as she continues to heal from the dissolution of her marriage to former Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, who had written her out of his will a few months prior to his death in 2019.

Kane is unsure about the story arc with Porizkova, but given the abundance of resplendeness between them the chemistry should be a fine mix of blue skies and sunshine with the occasional dose of thunder. Kane said, “It’ll be the kind of alchemy that will cause eyes to grow big and jaws to drop, like when Julia Roberts lost her mind and married Lyle Lovett.”

Readers of Buffalo Mud will also recall that Kane was tapped to play the role of Mitch Buchannon, in the original 1989 series. The part eventually went to David Hasselhoff , because producers, according to Kane, were shallow and shortsighted. After rejecting various storylines he developed, including one that incorporated T.S, Elliott’s “The Waste Land,” he stepped away from the project citing irreconcilable artistic differences.

Separated by three decades since the original Kane is neither young nor idealistic anymore. “I just want to have fun,” he said.  “And I want to bring the hairy back. I was tapped to be the first “Golden Bachelor,” but turned it down because my hairy gloriousness would have been muted or worse, manscaped away by producers. Yeah, myself and Ryan Fitzpatrick, we’re going to bring back the hairy to the culture.”

Episodes written thus far include: Nana’s Sexy Two-Piece; Irene Gets Thumped; Blisters Everywhere; P.A. and Paulina’s Crazy Tequila Night; Birdie’s Broken Hip; Mystery Shits Fouling The Beach; Another Crab Story; Betty’s Brand New Double D’s . . . and others.

Kane isn’t sure how long he’ll be away from Buffalo Mud but emphasized his leave is temporary and he’ll return as soon as possible to again provide readers with the best in lean, antibiotic free, environmentally friendly fake news/satire. He is grateful for all the support he has received through the years. 

The post Local Author Taking Temporary Leave To Pursue “Baywatch Silver” Project appeared first on buffalomud.com.

I just be letting people cap. If them lies help you sleep better tell em big dawg . . .

The post only served to fuel further speculation. People were like who’s he letting cap? Who’s the big dawg getting all this sleep after they’ve been capping? Is it Josh Allen? Is it Sean McDermott? What does cap even mean?

Seeing the reaction and hoping to generate interest in his sagging career local author P.A.Kane took to his social media accounts to post some cryptic messages of his own. But like most of his digital musings no one seemed to give a shit. 

The 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author was disappointed by the lack of response since his cryptic messages employed proper sentence structure, punctuation and weren’t all that cryptic.

“I was listening to some tunes and the algorithm from my streaming service gifted me the soulful two minute Big Star gem: “I’m In Love With A Girl,” Kane said. “So I posted that simple beautiful line on my wall: I’m in love with a girl  . . . and nothing. No comments, no likes, no retweets—nothing. 

Kane was thinking that a statement such as I’m in love with a girl . . . would generate at least a few comments. Maybe something like: That’s so sweet- you’re married one million years a lot years and you’re still in love with your wife despite all the soul crushing nagging and her endless stories about birds nesting in your yard. Or maybe—What a wonderful thing for a man of your experience to find love again. Hope you have a good supply of those little blue pills—Softey. 

At the very least maybe some would have copy and pasted the line into a Google search and discovered the Big Star tune. And not the nu-contry abomination “In Love With A Girl,” by Gavin DeGraw, who might be the demon spawn of Tug McGraw and Ally McBeal.  

“But I wasn’t going to give up,” Kane said. “You don’t get to be the 1.5 millionth ranked author by taking a powder. So this time the cryptic message was even less cryptic and more mainstream, drawing from the classic Who song “Baba O’Riley”—It’s only teenage wasteland . . . and it got one measly comment.

The lack of response shook the local author and led him to momentarily question his life choices. He considered the never ending indifference with which the world received his art and mused that perhaps all the getting up early, all the obscure toiling, all the rejection was—was for nothing.

Then he dug deeper—to the deepest part of his being where he was still handsome, where all the girls liked him, where he could kick everybody’s ass and said to himself: Screw that. People are stupid. I’m the best fucking thing that hasn’t happened—yet. Everybody can suck it.

Kane has no further plans to post cryptic messages.

The post No One Really Gives A Shit About Local Author’s Cryptic Messages appeared first on buffalomud.com.

“Besides being a doormat at work, anybody who knows me also knows my balls have been residing in the darkness of my wife’s purse for the entire time we’ve been married. That’s definitely not going to change, but this new thing where I can troll and own libtards is sure going to feel good,” McBovine said.

Former co-worker P.A.Kane, the 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author thinks McBovine’s trolling aspirations are a great idea. “Mark would be a fabulous right wing troll. He’s never read a book, he’s not clever, his media literacy is non-existent and most of all he craves attention. I can so see him on Mark Poloncarz’s Twitter page telling the County Executive to stick something where the sun doesn’t shine or instructing one of these moony snowflakes: Do your research . . .

To start out McBovine plans to focus on Hunter Biden. With no real understanding of history or policy McBovine feels a baby step toward becoming a real troll would be to kick at the President though his son, who has a history of suspect business practices and drug abuse. But tying Hunter Biden and his shady deals to the President, despite a lack of evidence, is not really the point according to McBovine. “The point of trolling is to be an asshole. Who cares what Hunter Biden did or didn’t do, I just want to own Brandon and all the cuck dummycrats. I mean, what would be better than sticking your thumb in the eye of a goody-two-shoes like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who wants to do hard things like address climate change and social inequities. Who the hell does AOC think she is—JFK?”   

McBovine hopes to use Hunter Biden as a springboard to engage in other hot button issues like “woke culture” and CRT—Critical Race Theory. He’s not exactly sure what either is, but if Trump and Meatball Ron are against them—so is he. “You know, all this “woke” stuff is just another ploy by the commiecrats meant to make old white guys like me feel bad about waking up fifty times a night to pee and then having to nap all day long. And CRT is some bullshit about preventing school age children from learning about the NASCAR racing strategy. What’s more American than naps and NASCA? Nothing—and I’m not having it bitches.” 

While McBovine is coming for all the Obama loving, kale eating, podcast listening, George Soros handout getting dumbocrats he asks that you engage him mono on mono because If his wife finds out he’s vying for attention and trying to have a personality of his own she’ll move his balls from her purse proper to her change purse with all those hard edged pennies and dimes.  

The post Retired FedEx Worker Plans To Reinvent Himself As A Right Wing Troll appeared first on buffalomud.com.

“It’s a shame. We’ve been together for a million years,  twenty-nine years and we’ve finally done the hard work where we can be totally open and honest with each other. That would be really exciting, but I just look at him and feel nothing,” said Mrs. Kane. “Well, that’s not exactly true. I look at him and want to attach a giant sail to his ass and float across the ocean on his body like I’m Captain Ahab.”

As a result of inactivity during the pandemic the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author put on weight, reducing his curb appeal—which at this point is that of an Ohio Street grain elevator. “Yeah, I put on a few,” Kane said. “But it’s  just a measure of my commitment to my wife and our marriage. For instance, Friday night is typically pizza night at our house. Both my son and I have a couple of slices and Donna has a single slice. Sometimes I see her looking longingly at a second slice and being the great, magnanimous husband that I am, I swoop in and finish off the pie, thus saving her from herself. Not every husband would do that for his wife, but I’m just a really giving guy.”

Mrs. Kane is most disappointed that after many ups and downs spanning the life of their marriage and years of distance where he sat in a back room watching sports and she sat in the front room watching mysteries, baking shows and other nonsense, that they could come together and share some things. “Yes, it’s been so nice to sit and talk about the TV mysteries we’ve been watching together. Our favorite is “Vera”—she’s such a pip. And the “Great British Bake Off,” which we both just love. The only problem is he runs to Eileen’s on Center Road afterwards for a couple of dozen cupcakes and then goes wild. I worry about his sugar levels…and his eyesight. Can he even see with all that encroaching face meat?”

In the past Mrs. Kane might have vented her concerns to her work friend Renee, but an unlikely ally has emerged, Jason from accounting. Jason is a recently divorced fortysomething who is a blackbelt in karate with an appropriate amount of face meat. “We stop for coffee after work to talk. He’s just been so helpful in untangling my feelings,” she said. 

For his part, the local author is unphased by the rejection, noting that even in the best of times the entirety of the female population mostly looked at him with indifference.   

The post Despite Increased Marital Harmony Wife Of Local Author No Longer Finds Him Attractive appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Some said Kane had become an ascetic monk. Others conjectured he was obsessed with Dolly Parton collectibles. Many said he was blocked and couldn’t turn over a story about a guy ruining a dinner party with a giant shit anymore. Or he no longer had the wherewithal to investigate the shocking amount of Monte Carlos in an Alden trailer park. And finally some said he lost perspective and didn’t have the insight to profile a renaissance man like Jesse Nolan and his never ending fashion statements. 

While the enigmatic author remained cryptic about the previous shutdown, this hiatus will find Kane engaged in an exciting new project—a travel blog called: Going Mobile With P.A.Kane.

The 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author and his wife of nearly one-million years, three decades, Donna are heading out on the road to see and explore the U.S.A in their fully equipped Ram Promaster van. This first van life expedition will find them in such places as the South Dakota Badlands, the Grand Tetons in Wyoming and the Colorado Rockies, plus many others. This fall, instead of reporting on the failed congressional bid of Hitler enthusiast Carl Palidino—guess Western New York it isn’t Carl Country—Kane will posting daily updates from the road highlighting the beauty, grandeur and the indomitable spirit of the American people—hopefully without getting his liberal ass shot. 

“It’s a dream come true,” Kane said. “Ever since I read “On The Road” as a young man I’ve wanted to see America from a speeding vehicle. I hope this will be the first of many trips throughout the U.S., Canada and beyond. I should note, in “On The Road,” Kerouac never went to Canada even though he was of French-Canadian heritage. He went all over the U.S. and Mexico, but not Canada. Kerouac probably didn’t go to the great white north for the same reason I’m a little hesitant—bears. I know, Canadiens are gentle, peace loving people, but they have bears—like everywhere. There’s more fucking bears in Canada than jelly doughnuts and it’s a little unnerving for a slow footed white man such as myself.”

Please join bear repellent equipped author P.A. Kane as he goes mobile across America. You can link to his new travel blog here or on the side panel of this site. And look for the return of Buffalo Mud in the near future. Thank you for the continued support.

Also, don’t forget to make the toast and tea. 

The post Local Author Going On Sabbatical . . . Again appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, N.Y.—This week local author P.A.Kane was taking an early morning hike along a creek bed in Chestnut Ridge Park with a friend and his trusted forty-nine pound canine companion Kaya Francis Bean. As they walked along, taking in the serene scents and sounds of the newly arrived summer, the friend, who was a few steps ahead of the author, snapped a picture of Kane where it appeared as if he was walking on water. Asked by the friend if he got a hot foot back there Kane just looked down at his dry boots and raised his eyebrows.

The friend, who wished not to be identified, was left to conclude that Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author had indeed walked on water.

But his wife of one-million years, 28 years, Donna and others are calling bullshit. “He spends eighty percent of his  time laying on the couch watching clips of Josh Allen on YouTube with his hands down his pants. That guy walked on water?” she asked with a rhetorical bite.

The local author responded with a shrug. My whole life people have been telling me all the things I can’t do: “You can’t finish all that pizza—Boom. Are those wings for anyone? . . . No way you can’t really drink that whole twelve-pack—Not without twelve bourbon chasers . . . But you’re such a dumb fuck, you can’t be a writer—Check the Amazon scoreboard, Karen.
It just goes on and on with these haters. But out in the serenity of nature with my dog I have no limits. I am one with the universe—all the universes.” 

In addition to his wife, others are skeptical of Kane’s liquid ambulation. Here’s reactions from some of those people.

Kevin McNamara—P.A.Kane, walk on water? That fat fuck would sink like a Mississippi democrat going for a House seat in 2022.  

The Dalai Lama—Ah yes, Mr. P.A.Kane. Consider first, a donkey’s ass. Now think of the buttocks of gnat. In the grand scheme of all existence Mr. P.A.Kane is like a single molecule on the buttocks of a gnat which sits on the ass of a donkey. Mr. P.A.Kane not walk on water. 

Josh Allen—Aw man, I love that P.A.Kane guy. He’s a great trash talker and back in the day at South Park High School he did a lot for his 0-8 football team. Like I heard he refused to get high before “all” the games. Not just some of the games, “all” the games. You gotta respect that. As for this walking on water, at this point I don’t see that happening. But if he concentrates in the off-season and maybe works on his mechanics he might get there. 

Jen (Aldi’s cashier)—You know he’s really great about keeping the line moving—exchanges his cart quickly and I never have to wait to process his payment. But, ya know his food choices are such an epic fail. All those breakfast sausages that are like eighty percent sugar and those “baked” chips which I suppose have some nutritional value, but c’mon. On top of all that soda he buys. I don’t see that salad dodger drinking water let alone walking on it . 

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