Former Bills Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick To Advocate For “Hairy Man” Causes In Retirement


Buffalo, NY—After seventeen seasons former Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick retired from the NFL this week. The journeyman signal caller played for nine different teams, amassing a record of 59-87-1 with 223 touchdowns and 169 interceptions. Known for coming off the bench and providing his team with a spark, he earned the nickname Fitzmagic. The Harvard graduate is also known for his magnificent beard and chest hair and will pursue hairy man causes in retirement.  

Tom Selleck

 Matt Dryflout, founder and CEO of Groitproud, a group that advocates for hairy man causes noted today’s men are made to feel ashamed of their body hair and recalled that, “There was a time when Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck and their hairy chests were considered the epitome of sexiness in this country. Now sexy is a perfectly manscaped Harry Styles in culottes and pumps. This has caused a great deal of pain and confusion among hairy men and men, but that’s about to change. Just as he sparked all those fourth quarter comebacks Fitzmagic is about to spark a movement—a spectacular furry, unshaven movement.”

For his part Fitzpatrick has been fascinated with hair, especially body hair, for as long as he can remember. He said, “I don’t know, it started when I was able to trace changes in my body aroma to my armpits, which were pretty hairy at a young age. It was an odd, funky smell, but I really liked it and would fall asleep with my nose in my pit. But I became really interested when my pelvic region filled in. This one day I was down there digging around and all of the sudden I unfurl this one curly fry and it’s like thirteen goddamn inches long. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw.”

Nick Offerman

Fitzpatrick is in the brainstorming phase of the process and is reaching out to other hairy man groups for guidance to see where his advocacy would be most effective. Especially helpful have been “Bear” groups. Bears have a large global presence and are identified as big, hairy, gay, bisexual and queer (GBQ) men. Bears try to emulate a traditional male look and support values such as assertiveness, leadership and strength.

“Just because we dream of fillating Nick Offerman doesn’t mean we’re not men,” said noted Bear advocate Philip Wolff. “We are and we will set you and your unrealized hairy potential free.”

While noting the irony of reaching out to a gay group to help men find themselves Fitzpatrick said, “Just shows how we’ve lost our way.” Fitzmagic went on to say he dreams of a day when not only more beards cover the faces, but when men are no longer afraid or ashamed to unbutton or take off their shirts and reveal the glorious furry beasts they were meant to be. 

Urban Bears

Fitzpatrick said he expects to have a funding source and a DBA in the near future.