Buffalo, NY—Charlie Coogan, a fortyish part-time bartender at Costello’s Pub in the Valley, is bracing for a weekend of lame Irish revelers endlessly hitting on her. Coogan already gets a fair amount of interest from patrons of the bar, but this weekend, it’ll be off the charts.
“Yes, I hear it all the time, but this weekend it reaches a fever pitch,” she said.
I’ll be asked the typical, Kiss Me, I’m Irish or I’m Not Irish, But You Can Kiss Me Anyway. My favorite: Is your name Lucky Charms? Because you look magically delicious. I like that one because I get to respond—Oh, I am magically delicious, but you’ll never find out, Paddy McShitforbrains—It’s so great.”
Over the party weekend, Saturday will be the day Coogan expects to see the most traffic and experience the most lameness. The Valley location of Costello’s is a little removed from the downtown parade Sunday, but it’s right in the mix for the Little Parade in the Old First Ward on Saturday—so that would be the traffic part of it. The lameness will come because the high temperature on Saturday is expected to be thirty-seven degrees, meaning the Jameson will be flowing early and often. Guys will be drunker than if it were warmer and they were drinking more beer than whiskey.
“Yeah, the colder weather will translate into guys doing more shots. When that happens, the number one they want to do is show me their shillelaghs—some will also ask me to touch, taste, and pull on their shillelaghs. I try to be a good sport about it since these drunken assholes do fill up my tip jar, but c’mon—they want to show me their shillelagh? Can’t they come up with something a little more clever than that? Besides, a shillelagh is like a three-foot-long walking/fighting stick, and everyone knows these weak-ass Irish losers are packing all of two inches.”
Coogan also noted the strange dynamic of her bartending gig, especially this weekend. “I spend all his time laughing and smiling at guys as I reject them, which is weird. Even weirder, after I reject their sorry asses, they still give me crazy amounts of money. I know, they’re confused from all the beer and Jameson buzzing around in their little pea brains, but goddamn, have some self-respect for god’s sake.”
The Little Parade in the First Ward is scheduled to start at 11 am on Saturday, and the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade will take place on Sunday at 2 pm on Delaware Avenue.
