Buffalo, NY—Larry Lighthouse Sr. congratulated his son Larry Jr. on reaching the milestone of his fortieth birthday. He told his son that he had become a fine man and was proud to be his father, save for the brief period in his teens when he was way too into Joey Fatone and NSYNC.
The older man then sat his son down to talk about an important topic. In a no-nonsense voice, he told Larry Jr. that now that he was on the wrong side of forty, he needed to make some decisions about how to spend his downtime—either by becoming serious about World War II history or smoking meat.
At forty, the senior Lighthouse explained, he was now too old for competitive sports. Sure, there were over forty basketball or ice hockey leagues, but they were boring and so very sad. All that was left was Saturday night bowling, which everyone knew was mainly about drinking and making thinly veiled passes at the barmaid, Shelly. There was also golf, but soon enough he would find it hard to get through eighteen holes without dosing up on ibuprofen, even with a cart. So to fill those recreation hours, it was incumbent on him to choose between World War II history or smoking meats.
The senior Lighthouse also noted that besides not being able to participate in meaningful sporting events, the relationship with his wife was likely to change. She’ll start to complain about your thinning hairline, your ever expanding front porch like gut, the money you don’t make, the back hall you said you’d paint two years ago, how you seem to like the dog better than her, and a whole bunch of other shit. So you don’t go nuts or lose half your 401(k) now was the time to dig in and insulate yourself from this bullshit in an aloof, but positive manner—WWII history or some finely smoked pork shoulders.
He related that had given his son’s situation much thought and suggested he go the World War II route. He explained that he had started as a WWII guy himself, but his wife, Lighthouse Jr.’s mom, quickly grew aggravated when he would bring up The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich or Arthur Schlesinger Jr’s three-volume set on FDR. “God bless your mom, but she likes things light and uncomplicated and didn’t want to hear about Guadalcanal or the suffering of Louis Zamperini as a Japanese prisoner of war. There was nothing tangible for her in my WWII studies. She was, however, on board with smoking meat. She could make sides and talk about the process—the trimming, seasoning, and smoking time—the whole shebang without really being involved.”
As gently as possible, the elder Lighthouse went on that his son’s wife, Karen, was kind of a pain in the ass and he thought going the WWII route was his best option. “I love Karen, the elder Lighthouse said, “but she’s pretty intense, and once you started smoking meat she’d probably get all high and mighty, and bitch about breeding practices, animal confinement, polluted groundwater —shit like that. Plus, I think she’d be all over you about the beer drinking that comes with smoking pork shoulders and beef ribs properly.”
He said though it might be tempting to study Vietnam instead of WWII, the conflict in Southeast Asia was filled with political and moral complications that might set Karen off. WWII is a better choice since we were considered the good guys, unlike our involvement in Vietnam and other wars since, which has been suspect at best. She would be proud of you and probably leave you alone to watch the American Heros Channel instead of pushing you to binge stupid shit with her like The White Lotus or Virgin River.
As the conversation concluded, the two men embraced, and Larry Jr. said, “Thanks, Dad. That’s excellent advice. I’ll start with WWII, but next time you’re smoking a brisket, invite us over. I’ll try to subtly plant that seed with Karen about maybe getting a smoker too—see where it goes. In the very least, we can have a few beers and listen to some Zeppelin.”
