Buffalo, NY—The internet and high-speed computing have become a pervasive part of life across the globe. Right now, sitting in the pockets of billions of people is a handheld computer with wondrous and instantaneous answers to questions such as: which Spice Girl married David Beckham, what that pesky check engine light in your dashboard means, where is Pam Dawber and what happened to her, what the square of the hypotenuse is, who was generally considered the biggest asshole on Dawson’s Creek—plus a million, trillion other things.
High-speed computing also has applications to this weekend’s NFL draft, and Santiago Sorrendemo, a mailroom clerk at the plaza location of M&T Bank, is annoying the shit out of his coworkers with his mock drafts. Santiago is a math major at UB and has run hundreds of mocks on the NFL Mock Draft Simulator for this weekend’s event in Green Bay. Usually, he’s friendly and efficient, but in the period between free agency and the draft, he’s become a hairy, rank taco box. Opinionated, argumentative, and totally exasperating.
John Jameriquai, a Commercial Credit Underwriter, secured a paid internship for Santiago this summer, but wishes he could rescind the offer. Jameriquai recounted a recent exchange with Santiago, who asked what he thought the Bills should do with their first pick.
Jameriquai responded that all the playoff losses to the Chiefs seem to result from the Bills inability to hit or get Patrick Mahomes on the ground. The teams that did, the Eagles this past year and the Bucs in 2021, won the Super Bowl. So I said, “We need to go D-line—either Kenneth Grant from Michigan, or that guy Greg Cosell called his favorite defensive lineman in the draft, Walter Nolen from Ole Miss.
According to Jameriquai, after rolling his eyes, Santiago pulled out his phone and completed four first-round drafts in two minutes. That’s great, I guess,” he said. “But both are never there when the Bills pick at 30.” He pointed to his phone, “Look, Nolen at 21 to the Steelers, Grant at 26 to the Rams.” He tapped his phone again. “Grant 21 to the Steelers, Nolen 26 to the Rams.” Again, he tapped his phone. “Nolen 15 to the Falcons, Grant 22 to the Chargers.” He tap his phone one final time, and again: “Nolen 14 to the Colts, and Grant 15 to the Falcons. “See,” he said, “the value at 30 is at DB, like Malaiki Starks from Georgia or Trey Amos from Mississippi.”
Jameriquai then suggested the Bills move up a few spots, and Santiago made a guttural sound, slammed his interoffice memos on his desk, and said, “Dumbass.”
Knowing that banking services analyst Lucy Leathertip was a Bills fan, Santiago casually asked her thoughts about the draft as he dropped mail on her desk. She said, “I don’t know, maybe more pass catchers for Josh.”
“Pass catchers for Josh?” Santiago said, raising his voice. “The Bills scored thirty points a game last year. Allen is the reigning MVP, and the everybody-eats philosophy has been enhanced with Josh Palmer. Curtis Sammauel and Keon Coleman are beefed up and healthy, and Khalil Shakir got paid. More pass catchers for Josh? Are you sure you’re a Bills fan? Jeeze.”
As he walked away, Leathertip, sat at her desk, and in a barely audible voice to no one in particular said, “And to think, I was going to fuck that kid.”
Other coworkers had thoughts on Santiago’s mock behavior as well:
Immediate supervisor Constantine Crummler said, “At first I thought he had like a porn thing going on, because he’s on his phone all the time. I looked into getting him some help, but then I found out he was just mock drafting, and I was like— WHAT? I could respect the porn thing, but mock drafting? What a fucking loser.”
Mailroom coworker Peter Plutternut said, “I don’t really care about the draft. I only watch to see the shitty picks the Jets and Dolphins make. It’s great hearing their fans boo the picks.”
Systems Analyst (and virgin) Frankie “Blue Shoes” Fianisi guffawed, “Santiago is a chump. A rank amateur. You can take this draft to da bank.” He then pulled out the handwritten, detailed two-round draft pictured below.
