Buffalo, NY—The plotline to Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story, a Hallmark channel Christmas movie set in Buffalo, was leaked to the popular satire website Buffalo Mud. The made-for TV movie will follow the traditional Hallmark rom-com formula while incorporating Buffalo-centric themes and elements such as— Josh Allen, prison, unattractive people, broken tables and a touch of magic from Captain Dave.
The story begins in the pre-season with photojournalist Kitty Latoris getting a freelance offer from Teen Vogue to go back to her hometown to do a feature on NFL MVP Josh Allen. Latoris, however, is hesitant to take the gig. Three years earlier she developed a debilitating opioid habit that led her down a dark path. At the height of her use she passed hot checks, turned tricks and held up liquor stores. Eventually, she found herself doing an eighteen month stint at the Albion Correctional Facility for Women.
Upon her release, Latoris was determined to conquer her demons and go straight. She used photography skills learned in high school and later at ECC. She joined the paparazzi, tracking the movements of the Jonas Brothers and developing the unique talent of catching celebrities picking their noses.
She got the call from Teen Vogue editor Lucy Lackner, a hapless Dolphins fan, because she liked Latoris’s work and hoped she would catch Allen with his finger up his nose or stuck in his ass. Latoris was hesitant, afraid that she might come into contact with old friends and fall back into her destructive ways, but it was a great opportunity that would garner more legitimate, well-paying work. Wishing on a star and praying for strength, she took the gig.
All was going according to plan at St. John Fisher in Rochester, where the Bills held training camp. She was getting great shots of the all-world quarterback Allen, but none of the compromising photos her editor had hoped for. The only notable exception was when Allen was under center, he occasionally lingered a tick or two longer on Conor McGovern’s undercarriage than was necessary.
But then, at the Blue and Red practice at Highmark Stadium, Dion Dawkins rolled up on Latoris on the sideline after throwing a block on a sweep and tore some ligaments in her right knee. Forced to convalesce in Buffalo, she received treatment from a Physical Therapist named Johnny Rainbow at UB/MD Orthopedics. There was something about Rainbow’s easy manner, receding hairline, and sexy, crooked teeth that Latoris found intriguing. She also couldn’t ignore the hits of electricity coursing through her body every time Rainbow touched her. It was evident from his gentle, caring manner that Rainbow was also drawn to her.
The connection between Latoris and Rainbow didn’t go unnoticed by Bills superfan Captain Dave. After decades of fandom Dave required a little shoulder cleanup from the extreme high fives he commonly dished out at Bills games. Icing up together after their treatment Dave explained his shoulder injury to Latoris and said he was really pushing himself to be ready for the home opener. Then he mentioned how cozy she seemed with Rainbow and asked if he was her boyfriend. Latoris blushed and with a little laugh said, “No, he’s just my therapist.”
But, not long after that Rainbow asked her out, and she happily accepted. The relationship progressed like a storybook romance. But then complications set in. Latoris began to lean on her pain medication in an unhealthy way, leading her to contact old Buffalo friends in the opioid trade. Her girlfriend from the correctional facility, Marlene Maupin, who earned an extra six months of confinement for shiving one of the prison the cooks, showed up, and they spent a steamy night together.
Latoris was quickly devolving into a hot mess, but Rainbow stuck by her, gently encouraging her forward. It all came to a head when he bought them tickets for the Bills-Chiefs Christmas Eve game. Tailgating in the Hammer lot, their relationship was teetering after numerous bowling ball shots of 100-proof Polish Cherry Liquor. As snowflakes trickled down from the stars, Rainbow looked at her with that crooked smile and reminded her that she too, deserved love. Calmly, he said, “We can get past this if you’ll let love win. Kitty, are you ready to let love win?”
In that moment, after briefly being distracted by Rainbow’s receding hairline, they got lost in each other’s eyes, and then, as if touched by some supernatural force, they kissed. It was magic. They did another bowling-ball shot, and before they climbed atop a school bus to take part in the Bills tradition of breaking a table, Rainbow leaned in and told Kitty he was open to the idea of sharing their bed with her old prison mate, Marlene.
As they held hands on top of that bus, waiting to seal their love by plunging through a table together, on the horizon for a brief moment, smiling down on them was Bills super fan Captain Dave in his long retired Captain America Bills grab. Captain Dave wasn’t just a Bills superfan; he was a superfan of love.
Hand in hand Latoris and Rainbow jumped from the bus, safe in the belief their hard-won love would see them through. It was a Buffalo Bills Christmas miracle.
Latoris was concussed in the jump, and Rainbow suffered a broken hip. More importantly, the table did break, and the Bills beat the Chiefs 31-9, thus securing home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
