Washington, D.C.—This past weekend, Elon Musk and a team of six engineers moved to dismantle the United States Agency for International Development (U.S.A.I.D.). U.S.A.I.D. administers American soft power overseas in the form of education and food security programs. It also is a bulwark against epidemics, and poverty. All work and spending at the agency has been stopped and much of the staff have been furloughed or fired outright. Those who remained were ordered to submit a one-page progress sheet justifying their positions to a member of the DOGE team—a nineteen-year-old person nicknamed Youngballs, who was former intern at Space X, Musk’s aerospace company.
Citing a strict 11 pm curfew imposed by the Youngball’s mom, progress sheets needed to be filed no later than 10:59 pm, or employees were subject to immediate termination. Clutching a Monster energy drink, a DOGE member named Middleballs said that most of the guys on the capture team, including Bigballs and Hairyballs have beds at the office. But before Trump got into office, Youngballs, who was in high school a year ago, got into the ketamine a little too deep with Musk and didn’t go home for a few days. “His mom then came looking for him. It was a whole big scene.”
The 11 pm curfew jeopardizes the intern’s chances to remain part of the DOGE team that is now targeting the Department of Education, National Public Radio (NPR) and the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS). Sipping from a juice box, Youngballs said, “I’d really like to be there when the guys kneecap Big Bird and Terry Gross and when funding for children with disabilities is eliminated from the gutted Department of Education, but that’s not going to happen unless I follow the curfew rules. Mom can be such a hard ass. She doesn’t understand the opportunity to destroy these cherished institutions is a once in a lifetime deal and it’s probably going to go to that fucking loser, Backupballs.”
Team member Grossballs, said things aren’t as dire for Youngballs as some think. “His mom is pretty hot and still of childbearing years, and the night she came down here and dressed us all down, I saw the way Mr. Musk looked at her. The wheels were spinning in Old Horneyballs head—chucka, chucka bang bang, here comes child number fifteen or however many shorties he has. So Youngballs might be good for a while.”
With or without Youngballs, carnage at these institutions will continue as the shining city on the hill becomes a hell hole for everyone but the billionaire class.
*author’s note* Grossballs insisted he be credited with coming up with the “balls” nicknames for team members.
