Los Angeles, California—Executives at the Hallmark Channel have optioned a made-for-TV Christmas movie featuring Punk716 frontman “Bad Ronald.” The script and story were written by local author P.A.Kane, and is called Personality Crisis at Christmas Time.
The movie’s narrative will follow traditional Hallmark plot lines of love, conflict, and mystical intervention with a dash of rock-n-roll flavoring. Getting the film made may prove to be a bit tricky, however. Producers are reporting that during initial logistical planning and test shots, Bad Ronald has been a Susan Boyle like diva. He often rages about Owen Power, Hillary Clinton, and the Bills third-down defense. And, of course, the fucking green m&m’s mixed in with the brown ones. What usually calms him down is a discussion of the female leads who potentially will play opposite him. Top names up for consideration include: Lori Loughlin, Fiona Gubelmann, Brook Burns and his favorite, Lacey Chabert.
The actress who lands the role will depict an overworked, underappreciated New York marketing executive named Wanda Wadswallow. Wanda returns to her roots in Western New York to open a little gift shop called—Irv Weinstein and Friends Collectibles. Initially she is happy and prosperous in her new life. Soon though, the former marketing executive falls back into old, take no prisoners habits. When a friend witnesses her blow up a supplier who can’t deliver on Clip Smith bobbleheads, she suggests they go for a drink. The end up at Molly Maguire’s, where Bad Ronald’s band, Punk716 happens to be gigging.
She catches Bad Ronald’s eye during a banging version of the Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight).” and the connection is instant and hot.
Over coffee Bad Ronald and Wadswallow find common ground—not in things they like, but rather, in things they dislike: pugs, Mighty Taco meat paste, navel lint (both are outties), blue ink and the novels of Philip Roth. They quickly become close and spend quiet evenings trolling Tragically Hip fans on social media and creating artwork for Carol Jason T-shirts—they are so happy.
But Bad Ronald’s bad-boy punk attitude starts to crop up in a negative ways, while Wadswallow’s obsessive work habits also start to surface. A divide in the relationship becomes evident. It all comes to a head during a gig when Wadswallow requests the band play a Depeche Mode song. With unmistakable frostiness, Bad Ronald rebukes her form the stage, “We don’t play that ‘80s electronica bullshit,” putting a final nail in the unlikely romance.
But then, a few days before Christmas, deceased New York Dolls guitarist Johnny Thunders comes to Bad Ronald in his sleep, slaps him upside the head, and says something like, “That girl’s ass—play the fucking Depeche Mode song, you twat.”
On Christmas Eve, Bad Ronald and his band set up on the sidewalk outside Wadswallow’s shop and play “Everything Counts,” thus enshrining another magical Hallmark holiday moment.
In addition to this film, Kane, the 1.5 millionth most popular Amazon author, is developing a franchise around Bad Ronald due to his recent transformation from scrawny drummer to edgy punk frontman. Kane believes Bad Ronald has mass appeal among the house coat-wearing, afghan-covered grandmas binge-watching the Hallmark channel. Currently, the author is in Hollywood pitching other Bad Ronald related projects—Bad Ronald Mattlock and Bad Ronald Murder He Wrote.
Personality Crisis at Christmas Time is scheduled for a 2025 holiday release.
