Los Angeles, California—Executives at the Hallmark Channel have optioned a made-for-TV Christmas movie featuring Punk716 frontman “Bad Ronald.” The script and story were written by local author P.A.Kane, and is called Personality Crisis at Christmas Time.
The movie’s narrative will follow traditional Hallmark plot lines of love, conflict, and mystical intervention with a dash of rock-n-roll flavoring. Getting the film made may prove to be a bit tricky, however. Producers are reporting during this initial phase of logistical planning and test shots, Bad Ronald has been a Susan Boyle like diva. He often rages about Owen Power, Hillary Clinton, the Bills third-down defense, and the fucking green m&m’s mixed in with the brown ones. What usually calms him down is a discussion of the female leads who potentially will play opposite him. Top names up for consideration include: Lori Loughlin, Fiona Gubelmann, Brook Burns and his favorite, Lacey Chabert.
The actress who lands the role will depict an overworked, underappreciated New York marketing executive named Wanda Wadswallow. Wanda returns to her roots in Western New York to open a little gift shop called: Irv Weinstein and Friends Collectibles, and is initially happy with her new life. Soon though the former marketing executive falls back into old ways, and when a friend witnesses her blowing up a supplier who can’t deliver on Clip Smith bobbleheads, the friends go for a drink where Punk716 happens to be gigging.
She catches Bad Ronald’s eye during a banging version of the Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight).” and there is an instant connection.
Over coffee Bad Ronald and Wadswallow find common ground—not in things they like, but rather, in things they dislike: pugs, Mighty Taco meat paste, navel lint (both are outties), blue ink and the novels of Philip Roth. They become close and spend quiet evenings trolling Tragically Hip fans on social media and creating artwork for Carol Jason T-shirts—they are very happy. But Bad Ronld’s bad-boy punk ways start to crop up in a negative ways and Wadswallow’s obsessive work habits suface, creating a cleavage in the relationship. It all comes to a head during a gig when Wadswallow requests the band play a Depeche Mode song. Coldly, from the stage, Bad Ronald rebukes her, “We don’t play that ‘80s electronica bullshit,” putting a final nail in the relationship.
But then, a few days before Christmas, deceased New York Dolls guitarist Johnny Thunders comes to Bad Ronald in his sleep, slaps him upside the head, and says something like, “That girl’s ass—play the fucking Depeche Mode song, you twat.”
On Christmas Eve, Bad Ronald and his band set up on the sidewalk outside Wadswallow’s shop and play “Everything Counts,” thus enshrining another magical Hallmark holiday moment.
In addition to this film, Kane, the 1.5 millionth most popular Amazon author, is developing a franchise around Bad Ronald due to his recent transformation from scrawny drummer to edgy punk frontman. Kane believes Bad Ronald has mass appeal among the house coat-wearing, afghan-covered grandmas binge-watching the Hallmark channel. Currently, the author is in Hollywood pitching other Bad Ronald related projects—Bad Ronald Mattlock and Bad Ronald Murder He Wrote.
Personality Crisis at Christmas Time is scheduled for a 2025 holiday release.
