USA— Donald Trump and the Republican Party won a decisive electoral victory last week riding a wave of economic disillusionment, xenophobia, sexism, and transphobia, Trump gained ground in every county and state and saw a surge of support from Black and Latino voters nationwide. The limp-dick, coconut-loving Democrats, in addition to losing the presidency, ceded control of the Senate and failed to gain a majority in the House of Representatives.
With these crushing defeats, Democrats are searching for a way forward ahead of the 2026 mid-term elections. Democratic National Chairman Jamie Harrison expressed frustration at the party’s inability to ever find a viable enemy. “Our opponents have this hate thing down. They’re ruthless in demonizing all the right people—the queers, illegals, and women. Our attempts to identify a bogeyman always blow up on our faces. Remember Hillary’s superpredator and basket of deplorables comments? We’re such goddamn nattering nabobs of snowflake twitness.”
Democratic strategist James Carville, who was ahead of the curve in calling for Joe Biden to drop out of the race, knows exactly who the enemy is—young people. “Yeah, ideologically, dere with us. But come election day, what do deeze motherfuckers do? Instead of getting off dere asses to vote, they sit in their mama’s basement, watching porn and smoking weed. We should eviscerate deeze feckless motherfuckers. But we won’t. We’re Democrats—we’ll do some other useless, dumb shit.”
Carville might be right, as there seems to be a growing consensus that the party’s new enemy should be the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Calling themselves Pastafarians, the church holds no services, has no indoctrination, sacraments, or dogma—just a heartfelt belief in fettuccini, rigatoni, and, of course, spaghetti. They worship The Great Noodly One and lounge around with colanders on their heads, drinking wine and chasing their beloved pasta with bread, cheese, and sauce.
“It’s a sham organization outside the Abrahamic tradition,” said soon-to-be ex-Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer, “and we intend to strip them of their tax-exempt status. To be a true religion, there needs to be shame, guilt, fear, and donations—lots of donations. All these Pastafarians do is swill red wine and down meatballs and sausages while stuffing their faces with tortellini and linguine. For the good of America, they must be rooted out and stopped.”
New York representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pointed to the health implications and environmental concerns related to the Pastafarian lifestyle. “Pasta, as we all know, is loaded with carbs, and once these carbs enter the small intestine, the digestive enzymes emitted from the pancreas transform that rich, glorious manicotti into glucose. Once that glucose hits your bloodstream—BOOM—sugar levels and health care costs don’t just explode, they EXPLODE. On top of that, the carbon footprint from all the cows and pigs slaughtered for meatballs and sausage is immense. For all that is sacred in America, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Pastafarians need to be sanctioned and repudiated.”
Political observers don’t expect the Democrat’s new strategy to amount to much. Instead, they believe the Democrats will regain power the way they always do—mismanagement and overreach by the unserious Republicans, especially with Donald Trump at the head of the party.
