South Buffalo—On a recent visit to his favorite liquor store, Abbott Wine & Spirits, South Buffalo native Frank Forkemworm started to think that perhaps he was drinking too much—not too much in the traditional sense, but too much vodka.
He came to this realization while receiving his discount at the liquor store—a five-dollar credit for every hundred dollars spent. Forkemworm happily accepted the discount he earned weekly, but there was a troubling aspect to it. The discount was tracked through your cell phone number, and in no time at all, the store staff had memorized his number.
Forkemworm was a taken aback at this development. “The staff knowing my digits was embarrassing, like that period in my life when I would vehemently argue with friends that Limp Bizkit and the Chocolate Starfish was Beatlesque in its artistry. Also, my dad was a Black Velvet man who died in his early fifties. To be known as Frankie, the vodka guy would make him spin in his grave.”
This vodka problem started with Forkemworm trying to be more health conscious. After dropping a few pounds on a low-carb diet, he began to experiment with Smirnoff citrus vodka and Mio lemonade flavoring. Mixed with water, the drink is a delicious facsimile of a vodka and lemonade with reduced carbs and no sugar. And, they very much agreed with Forkemworm—“I could put away those Smirnoff and Mios like Homer Simpson puts away pink frosted donuts with rainbow sprinkles—in unapologetic gluttonous gloriousness.” But the phone thing and the dishonor he was doing to his dad drinking clear liquor was too much for him.
To remedy his vodka problem, he turned to bourbon. When Fokemworm first tired of drinking beer years ago, he started chasing his six-packs with Jim Beam. It was a nice change of perspective and quite a smooth buzz. A return to mixing the beer with the bourbon has lessened his intake. That’s translated to fewer trips to the liquor store and less embarrassment when staff now has to once again ask him for his number.
“It’s a win-win for me,” said Forkemworm. “I get as fucked as I ever did, without any of the embarrassment, and I get to honor the memory of my Black Velvet-drinking dad.”
Forkemworm also said that the answers are out there; it’s just a matter of giving it a little time and thinking things through.
