Festivus is an end of year secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd which features a bare aluminum pole, an airing of grievances and feats of strength. Festivus was created by author Daniel O’Keefe, and was popularized on an episode of the Seinfeld called: “The Strike:” in 1997
Below is Part Two of Buffalo Mud’s 2022 Festivus celebration: Feats of Strength:
- Finding and eating all the Christmas cookies. At my house, whether it’s leftover pizza, takeout or the rest of the twelve pack I always find it and inhale it. I cannot be denied. And, I’m cocky about it like Michael Jordan calling out a three. After always finding said baked goods I say: “Cookies”— then pantomime the milk dunk, chewing, swallowing and finish with a little two-step shuffle while pointing with both forefingers to my ubiquitous stomach. Scoreboard.
- Restraint from blowing up snowflakes on social media complaining about the 2022 Western New York Christmas storm ruining their holiday plans. Waaa!!! So you can’t go to your sister Linda’s house and stuff your face with shrimp cocktail and rum punch. She never really liked you anyway because you always got special treatment from mom and dad. And, she knows you’re re-gifting those socks and that scarf.
- Remaining stoic while moving mountains of snow from cars, drives and walkways. I would argue that at times there are real emotional benefits to going ballistic and motherfucking everything in sight, like when you’re trying to find something to watch on Netflix that doesn’t suck. But this is not one of those times. Getting pissed doesn’t change the snow that needs to be moved. Like Seneca facing down tyrannical Nero you need to accept your fate and move forward with calm resolve.
- Not losing my shit when I have to endlessly “Login” to your site. Do I really need to login to the Buffalo News every time I want to read an article? Shouldn’t my $20 monthly digital subscription afford me the ability to bypass this bullshit? Same for my Friday, 5pm, large cheese & pepperoni—do I really need to login to an account to order and pay for a pizza? Or do you need me to do that so you can solicit me with new and insightful pizza innovations through my email three times a day? I would name you—you fascist cyber pizza establishment but I love your pies, so I’ll put up with this because I wouldn’t want you to accidently spit on my pie for calling you out.
- Not having a Bloody Mary till at least noon through this whole Christmas storm. I have all the ingredients and kind of nothing to do after the daily couple of hours of snowblowing, but I am the master of my domain. My restraint is legendary. Eating a jar of olives soaked in vodka and bloody mary mix starting at 8am doesn’t count because that’s food and a real BM is drink.
- And, finally my most amazing display of strength is carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I see all of you living those carefree lives, unburdened by the big questions facing humanity. But not me, I shoulder all this stuff. Like, did the dude who Carly Rea Japsen gave her number to ever call her? Will anybody care when the Harry and Meghan sex tape comes out? How close will the date be between Elon Musk owning all the libs and losing his remaining fortune? When will someone finally call Child Protective Services on Kourtney Kardashian for never letting her kid have a goddamn Happy Meal? Does the “My Pillow” ever think about shutting the fuck up and just selling his shitty pillows to MAGA nuts?
