Festivus is an end of year secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd which features a bare aluminum
pole, an airing of grievances and feats of strength. Festivus was created by author Daniel O’Keefe, and was popularized on an episode of “Seinfeld” called: “The Strike:” in 1997
Below is Part One of Buffalo Mud’s 2022 Festivus celebration: The Airing of Grievances:
- Bono—Promoting his book “Surrender,” the Irish crooner appeared on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” and from behind his tangerine shades, like some Saint Augustine avatar, he blessed us with his mystical wisdom:
America is perhaps the greatest song the world has not yet heard. I’m really encouraged by this idea that America doesn’t exist yet. It’s the greatest idea the world has ever had, but I don’t think it’s here yet. And that’s an amazing feeling, that’s it just being written, and far from recorded.
What the fuck does this even mean Paul (Bono’s his real name is Paul David Hewson)? Have you seen us? Do you know who we are? Trump? Marjorie Taylor Green? January 6? Go back to your castle in Ireland and write the seven-thousandth variation of “Where The Streets Have No Name,” and shut up. - The necessity to use positive uplifting language when people suck. Here’s some bullshit people get told when they suck: “Lots of areas of potential growth here …” and “Excellence is not an accident, it’s a process…” Streamlined: “Hey dipshit, get your head out of your ass”… or “Quit being a fucking moron”… Everybody knows a swift kick in the ass is the most effective form of instruction.
- How did we do? Endless fucking calls, emails and texts asking for feedback on every minor interaction with the world—from your Uber ride, to your an Amazon order, to the slippery thumb of your Urologist. These were my “additional comments” after we got past the multiple answer scales from my recent visit to the urologist: “Could use a nail trim and linger less, but is really cute with a nice fresh scent.”
- Fuckers determined not to help you. The sales guy at Verizon: “Yes…No…Phones don’t use SD Cards anymore… I don’t know. I was off last week.” Trying to get your car inspected at Valvoline: “It’ll be three hours, you might want to come back tomorrow.” Tomorrow: “Inspection guy called in sick. Come back tomorrow.” Tomorrow again: “It’ll be four hours. You might want to come back tomorrow.”
- Will Smith—For years this guy went around like he was a cross between Muhamad Ali and E.B. DuBois telling everyone how to be a good husband, father and human. Then Chris Rock throws a C- joke at his wife and he answers with violence. And, now that he has something new to sell you, where again he is a superhero and cannot be defeated, he’s on the apology tour proclaiming his humanity. Get the fuck outta here Prince of Scam Air.
- Dog Moms and Dog Daddies—You did not impregnate, conceive or birth a Golden Doodle. They are dogs. They walk on four legs, sniff asses and eat every piece of shit they come across. It’s nice that you love them, care for them and they look at you the way your partner did before they learned about your bathroom habits, but they are dogs—not offspring.
- Climate Change Deniers—All you people who didn’t believe, voted and fought against guys like Al Gore starting in the 80’s. I hope you’re happy as we endanger police, fire and others charged with ensuring public safety as we dig out from another once in a lifetime storm. Only these storms aren’t once in a lifetime anymore. They’re everyday, all the time. And their cost has contributed to our national debt being thirty trillion dollars.
- Person at Aldi’s who starts to fumble through their purse/wallet for their money/card only after everything has been scanned and is in the cart. Hey shithead—there’s a process here. Pull your means of payment out after everything is on the conveyor belt. Some of us have to get home and eat a whole pie to stave off the frustration of dealing with your inconsiderate ass.
- Our menu has changed—I never want to know my current balance. I want to talk to a person who can schedule/cancel my appointment, provide technical support, take my order or tell me I’m the biggest, best daddy she ever had.
- Festivus posts a day after Festivus.
