Buffalo, NY—South Buffalo legend Jack Conrad was in a festive mood after downing a couple of dogs with everything at Abbott Texas Hots. But his spirits would dampen as he walked into Burkey’s Sportsware and was informed the Nathan Peterman jersey he hoped to give a coworker as a Christmas present could not be had.
Burkey, who is normally ultra resourceful, told Conrad that he couldn’t find the jersey anywhere, at any price—whether Bills/Raiders/Bears. Said he called all his contacts, even the ethically challenged ones, and none of them would agree to put together a jersey for a QB with career stats of 3TDS/12INTs and a 34.0 passer rating.
Pulling on his first Guinness of the day next door at the Bistro after exiting Burkey’s, Conrad was telling bar staff in an elevated, unrepentant voice to mark his words: “Nathan Peterman will be a viable starter in the NFL.” The kid stocking the cooler, who was barely of age responded, “Please stop yelling at me sir. The bartender will be back in a moment or maybe you could get some friends to yell at about this Nathan Peterman guy.”
After silently finishing his beer Conrad went to Dick’s Sporting Goods at the Galleria Mall and inquired about the Peterman jersey and again came up empty. He told the teenage girl who was helping him out he had the same problem back in the 70’s trying to get a Gary Maragi jersey. “Sure he was 0-7 with 7TD’s and 16INTS after relieving Fergy in ‘76, but it would have been a different story if they brought him back in ‘77.” With big eyes the girl pressed the silent “HELP” button under the counter and a manager quickly appeared and asked Conrad if he needed help finding something else. Conrad just grumbled and headed toward the golf equipment.
After looking at some drivers Conrad went over to the simulated putting area and picked out a thirty-three inch Odyssey “White Hot” putter. As he was rolling them in from fifteen feet a woman asked him if that was a good putter. Said she was looking for one for her husband. He told her for the price it was the best one on the market.
Then he went on explaining, as he continued to roll them in, about his acumen from forty feet out in the Caz Men’s League. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I’ve made so many between twenty and forty feet the guys started to call them Conrads. They say: ‘You got a Conrad there. Knock it in.’” The woman, not really sure what to make of him, slowly backed away without a putter just as he started to aimlessly ramble about all his hole-in-ones at Caz number three.
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Coming up empty on the Peterman jersey, Conrad stopped at the Blackthorn on his way home. Pulling on another Guinness while watching some news about Aaron Judge’s new contract with the Yankees, Conrad asked Sully the bartender if he knew who came up with the split-finger-fastball? Sully hung his head, “You Jack. You came up with the split-finger-fastball at South Park High School in the early 80’s but Bruce Sutter gets all the credit. You’ve told me this story fifty times.”
Taken aback, there was an awkward silence between Conrad and Sully as the news transitioned to Josh Allen’s leaping exploits. After a moment, and watching another highlight of the Bills QB, Conrad tells Sully, “You know, besides the split-finger I was also the inspiration for the Josh Allen leaps. Back in ‘71 as a Stingray Devil rather than running someone over I would go air-born and pick up those last few tough yards playing TYRO football. I’m sure Josh heard about me and maybe saw my reel and then incorporated it into his game. But it’s okay. I don’t need any credit, as long as he brings a Super Bowl to Buffalo.”
Frustrated about the jersey Conrad picked up a steak sub from Mr. Submarine on South Park and a sixer of Guinness. Once home, he cracked a beer and unwrapped the sub while he looked at some cute cat pics on the internet and listened with glee to the Chieftains Christmas album featuring Jackson Browne.
Despite the day’s disappointment, he was far from beaten. In fact, as he grew sleepy, he was overcome with a blissful sense of calm and thought to himself: ‘I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and be Jack Conrad all over again.’
