Buffalo, NY—South Buffalo legend Jack Conrad, filed paperwork this week to become a member of the Republican party. Longtime Conrad followers were shocked by this development since he has been an outspoken—always outspoken—and loud—always loud—supporter of progressive causes like Medicare for all, legalization of weed and gun control. Of this change Conrad said, “Ever since that girl from Georgia was elected to Congress my heart has been like a foamy tan head of a Guinness. And everyone knows how Guinness makes me do crazy things.”
The girl from Georgia, of course, is conspiracy minded Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. Since entering congress in 2020, MTG has been a lightning rod of controversy. Her support of the January 6 Insurrection, Vladimir Putin and extreme gun rights set her at the far right edge of her party. She also has proffered conspiracy theories about Jewish space lasers and Bill Gates growing fake meat in “peach tree dishes.”
While Conrad doesn’t buy into these controversies or conspiracies he likes the idea of being with someone who is batshit crazy. He explained he hasn’t done so great with partners with a firm grip on reality. “They’re all over my shit—like all of it —but MTG would just roll with it, especially when she’s off her meds. That’s such a turn on.”
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Conrad dreams about sitting at the Blackthorn with MTG at his side and calling people out. “It would just be so fun to tip some pints with her and have her dress down swampy South Buffalo elites like RINO Jesse Nolan and limp wristed Brandon supporter P.A.Kane. And then maybe have a conversation about how the dim bar lights are secretly emitting electromagnetic waves—waves of love for Muslims and other immigrants.”
Getting all sqwoggly eyed Conrad sighed, “Back at my apartment we could lock the doors, pull the shades and get crazy. She would be my little blue pill of love. I would bleach her mustache and she would trim my ear hair and then we would ride each other like Aunt Bea and Otis playing rodeo in the drunk tank.”
Conrad started to apologize for selling out his left wing values, but stopped himself and said, “Saying you’re sorry doesn’t always mean you would like to change something or make amends. Sometimes it just means there’s this crazy chick in Georgia you just gotta have.”
So far, MTG hasn’t responded to any of Conrad’s amorous overtures.
