West Seneca, NY—Scrolling through Netflix local author P.A. Kane (The Last Playlist: A Sonic Epitaph) is almost always frustrated trying to find something to watch. He can’t believe the unimaginative, over the top shlock of shows like “Schitt’s Creek.” He’s confused by the popularity of folksy, unfunny and baby talking comedian Sebastian Maniscalco. And he wonders why the world needs another played out, cliched dad show—“Stop Embarrassing Me Dad,” starring Jamie Foxx—doesn’t Foxx owe Hollywood hundreds of millions in flops since “Ray?”
And it’s the same with the other streaming services and regular TV, which are a vast wasteland of overly woke dramas, banal cop shows, bad singing, talent and home improvement shows and worst of all—baking shows. These baking shows never tell you about the hours you’ll spend trying to find the organic vanilla extract or the imported Brazilian flour. And they certainly never pan to the mountain of dishes it takes to create cutesy cupcakes.
Kane, the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author, thought to address this issue by not only creating fresh new content, but a fresh new protagonist modeled after himself. The show, which he pitched to both Netflix and Hulu, would be called “Oh Boy, That Sucks,” and will be set mostly in libraries, coffee shops and his home office. It’ll feature Kane in his trademark black beret and half-turtleneck looking over the work of frustrated authors—pointing out their weak story lines, awkward phrasing, dangling modifiers and other aspects of their sucky writing. But this would all just be subtext to the client resolving the real issue—the blockage in their heads.
An annoyed Kane would disparage their shitty work habits. He’d make fun of their self-analysis that always leads back to a father figure who either loved them too much or too little. And, he’ll take great pleasure in dismissing their overwrought self importance. But most of all he’ll get these asshole writers to understand that blockage wasn’t an obstacle to overcome, but rather something to explore and contemplate.
He’ll lead the romance writer to consummation, but along the way make them understand seduction is the most interesting part of a steamy novel; he’ll make the adventure writer see that exalting at the summit was far less entertaining than exposing the hardships on the way up the mountain; he’ll show the sports writer that it isn’t the ball going over the fence, in the net or breaking the plane that inspired readers, but the struggle to get there. And to the writer doing a detective series with a sexy female protagonist—well, he’ll run them out of his office and tell them to get a fucking life. The world didn’t need a whiskey swilling detective named Ashly Stone, who was a man in every way except for the pumps and a curvy ass.
Bit by bit he’ll break down the congestion clogging their thick heads and set them back on a path to being productive writers. In the series Kane will only accept monetary compensation for his efforts. Any over the top praise will be met with extreme eye-rolls and pithy put-downs. Endless offers to sleep with him will be politely declined. And, in true writer fashion each episode will end with Kane in front of his blank computer screen in a state of utter despair and self-loathing.
Emails regarding the project are expected in the near future from both Netflix and Hulu.
By P.A.Kane
