Local Man Dreading Return To Normal As Pandemic Nears End

Larry Hemster

Snyder, NY—While most Western New Yorkers dreaded a weather forecast that predicted a half-foot of snow this weekend, Larry Hemster, a marketing manager at Rosina Foods was pretty excited. Hemster has been working from home in sweatpants and a hoodie since last March and is not looking forward to returning to normal as the Covid pandemic nears its end. 

“Yeah, I was hoping to get pounded with snow so I could spend another weekend at home laying around watching basketball, drinking beer and ordering in, rather than beginning another year of goddamn yard work,” he said.

Even more annoying than the start of grass cutting season and spring projects is the thought of showering, dressing and driving into work everyday. No more trolling the internet for hours on end or napping during the day. No more happy hours starting at 1:30pm or playing Grand Theft Auto while completely blotto with the day crowd. 

“It sucks,” said Hemster. “Now I have to go into the office and put up with Melissa coming by my desk and telling me about her dopey kid’s soccer team. I’m going to have to buy candy bars and raffle tickets and come up with a lame about excuse about why I can’t go to their stupid fundraiser. And fucking Karen. She’s going to show me endless pictures of her grandson and tell me how gifted the fat little pud is because he could roll over at five months. I mean, there’s a reason I didn’t respond to your Facebook friend request Karen—get a clue.”  

Maybe worst of all is Hemster’s boss, Lloyd. “This guy is a real tool,” he said. “He’s got these yellow teeth and sad watery eyes. But not the kind of eyes that make you feel bad for him—they’re the kind of eyes that make you think God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. Anyway, the Lloydster cares about two things: market share and porn. He talks about both at the same time and I never know if he’s referring to our meatball product or the shape of some girl’s ass he saw in a video. Sometimes he gets in a loop that I can’t follow and I start to think about how my life would have been different if I had paid attention in school.”

Further annoying Hemster is his wife talking about doing a “boot camp” together after they’re fully vaccinated. And maybe going on a cruise or seeing Hall & Oates if they tour again.

“This is why I voted for Trump,” Hemster said angrily. That incompetent orange bastard would have kept the pandemic going for at least another year. Now, Sleepy Joe is getting everyone vaccinated, the economy is properly juiced and loads of people are buying our fucking meatballs. This sucks”  

Hemster then stormed away and was last seen walking slowly down Eggert Road in his sweatpants and hoodie with head down grumbling to himself.      

By P.A. Kane