Clarence, NY—For years Clarence residents, Frank & Marie Stonefinger, Teddy & Stephanie Woppelganger and John & Stella Hobbletree have gotten together twice a month for dinner and drinks. But in this unique Covid year the friends’ routine has been severely disrupted, to the point they hadn’t gathered since the waning days of summer. To remedy this they constructed a carefully planned, masked, socially distanced pre-Thanksgiving dinner at the Woppleganger’s house. Prior to the dinner the couples also quarantined for two-weeks, but it was all for naught when Frank took a giant and embarrassing shit in the half-bathroom adjacent to the Woppleganger’s dining area.
The Wednesday night dinner started out in a typical way with drinks, laughs and a little passive-aggressive bullshit on the part of Stella, who always seemed to out shop Marie and Stephanie. This time it was on some throw pillows which Stella bought for $12.99 on Amazon while Stephanie paid $14.99 at Home Goods for the exact same product. Stephanie defended the purchase with an extreme eye roll and by saying she liked to touch things before she bought them. But otherwise, it was a good night till just before dinner when Frank took his giant shit.
One of the guys in Frank’s contracting company had brought in a bunch of cured deer jerky from a recent kill, which Frank had been downing with hot sauce during the day as if they were skittles dipped in crystal meth. That, coupled with the Super Mighty pack-double jalapenos-he inhaled Tuesday night led to the explosion. His wife Marie, knew there was going to be trouble when she heard him yell ‘Whoa” from inside the bathroom as they sat down to eat. Her fears were confirmed when the rank odor of million year old rotten eggs started to emanate from the bathroom as Frank opened the door a crack to ask the Woppleganger’s where they kept the plunger. After some banging around Frank emerged from the restroom looking whiter than armed protesters gathering on the steps Michigan state house saying, “Taco Tuesday, what a bitch.”
The men laughed covering their noses on top of the masks they were already wearing as the smell of the rotten eggs morphed into the aroma of a thousand set on fire assholes assaulted the dining area. They went forward with the meal despite some coughing and choking, but after Stephanie ran into the yard to vomit, Frank’s wife Marie suddenly felt a migraine coming on and asked to go home. When Frank objected, just as the color was coming back into his face, Marie shot him the same deadly look as when they were first dating and he made an off color remark about the shape of his future mother-in-law’s ass.
Both Stella and Stephanie played along with the fake migraine story saying how sorry they were that they had to leave and then ran to open every window in the house. Later, after the house had aired out a bit, the Wopplegangers and the Hobbletrees stood in awe around the toilet as the porcelain bowl seemed to be dissolving from the shit Frank had dropped earlier. Teddy quipped, “This is the science experiment I always wanted to do in grade school.”
After being harangued by Marie all the way home Frank was made to sleep in the garage where remnant ass vapors ate through his boxers and sweatpants.
