Washington D.C.— Inside sources say later this week President Trump will have the ShamWow pitchman, Vince Shlomi make an appearance at his daily press briefing to demonstrate how to effectively clean surfaces potentially infected with Covid-19. Trump has already brought Mike Lindell, the “My Pillow” guy. and other CEO’s to the briefing podium to address the Covid-19 crisis. Additionally, the President checked on the availability of pitchmen Jared Fogle from Subway and Billy Mays, the OxyClean guy. Fogle presently is serving 13-15 years in a federal penitentiary for the distribution and receipt of child pornography and Billy Mays died in 2009 of a heart attack, resulting, most likely, from cocaine use.
The “My Pillow,” guy, Mike Lindell took to the podium and explained how in three days he reconfigured 75% of his pillow making plant to manufacture upwards of 50K Covid-19 fighting cotton masks daily. From there Lindell went a little off the rails thanking God for the grace he showed the U.S. by delivering Donald Trump to the Presidency on November 8, 2016. He then said more crazy shit about using this sheltering in place time to study the bible and to heal ourselves through daily prayer.
Shlomi, the ShamWow guy, is not expected to make any religious statements and will focus instead on adding a little flash to the tedious pressers. Trump, recently noted that his press briefings have numbers comparable to the popular reality show “The Bachelor,” and wants to keep the momentum going.
Regarding Shlomi’s upcoming appearance the President said, “We have so many great important partners fighting the Covid virus, and it’s never been done before these great numbers for a President’s press briefings, numbers that are like number-one prime-time numbers and you know we have the best numbers. So we asked Vince Shlomi, a terrific guy who, to be fair, has run into some issues with prostitutes, but haven’t we all, and it’s not good but I can tell you, Shlomi is going to show us how to fight germs. Germs, we don’t like germs. Germs, not good.”
The President hinted that there may be other pitchmen coming to the White House press briefings soon. “I can tell you there are some really big names, really the biggest names. Names like Ron Popiel and Billy Blanks and George Foreman. Maybe we can get my terrific black friend, Mike Tyson to mix it up with Foreman at one of the briefings. Those numbers would be the best numbers. Numbers like no one ever thought possible.”
A spokesman for the President said the intention of having celebrity pitchmen at the pressers is to draw a contrast with the low energy, fact filled daily briefings of New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo. The administration feels from a numbers standpoint Cuomo is a real zero. His grim predictions and constant begging for equipment and supplies is a real turn off to people and will soon be reflected in really low numbers.
Covid-19 is expected to reach its apex in New York in the next two-three weeks and then spread out across the country. Those numbers suggest that upwards of 240,000 people could die from the virus.
