Buffalo, NY—As Bills fans brace for one of the most challenging seasons in history, President Donald J. Trump has declared the four Bills Super Bowls losses null and void. According to Trump—Scott Norwood’s kick wasn’t wide right. Redskins journeymen QB, Mark Rypien, didn’t shred the hapless Bills defense. The ignominious 52-17 loss to the Cowboys in Pasadena didn’t happen. And, the Bills held onto their 13-6 halftime lead against the Cowboys in Super Bowl XXVIII. To think otherwise, would be to buy into the fake news perpetrated by the dishonest media.
“I can tell you this,” Trump said, “the news media are the most disgusting and dishonest people in the world and believe me, the Bills didn’t lose any of those Super Bowls—it’s all fake news.”
Speculation as to why Trump has made such a bold statements despite mountains of contrary evidence, especially prevalent in collective inferiority complexes of damaged Buffalonians everywhere, focused on some of the President’s current problems and the need for him to change the subject. Some of the issues facing Trump are: the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh remains in doubt as the result as sexual assault allegations, he faces a challenging election cycle with the potential of the opposition party taking back both houses of congress, and most calamitous is the accusation by a porn star, who he didn’t have sex with, yet paid $130K, that the President has a tiny mushroom dick.
Reactions across the city have been mixed. Along Hertel Avenue in North Buffalo the mood is celebratory. Restaurants are offering Bills specials and storefronts are displaying new tees, totes and hoodies declaring: “Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champs 1990-1994.” Along culturally diverse Grant Street on the West Side people are confused since the football champions in those years was Germany and Brazil. The response from Jefferson Avenue on the East has been pointedly blunt: “Fuck Donald Mushroom Dick Trump.” And, in South Buffalo the bars are packed, lips are being bloodied and cars are being turned over.
The ghost of Art Wander—the Tiny Tot of the Kilowatt—is covering the festivities at Prior Aviation in Cheektowaga where thousands of Bills fans have gathered to meet a chartered flight with nonexistent players that will never land. Mayor Byron Brown has not returned any of the forty-one calls from former Mayor Tony Masciello who wants to hold a four day rally at Niagara Square and parades along Delaware Avenue.
Buffalo Mud will continue to cover these events as they don’t happen.
