Buffalo, NY—Since hiring Booth Hausfeld to do some updating at his home in South Buffalo, Thomas McGarrity has been confounded at the ease with which the contractor glibly shits at his house. It started almost immediately. Going over a materials list with McGarrity while they drank coffee at the kitchen table Hausfeld excused himself to use the facilities off the kitchen. Returning a minute or two later he was followed by a cloud of stink so vile it made McGarrity’s eyes water. Much to his surprise Hausfeld continued on compiling the list as if nothing happened which blew McGarrity’s mind.
Laying in bed with his wife that night McGarrity recounted the shitting incident and his watering eyes. His wife, Laura was quick to write off the matter saying Hausfeld probably didn’t want to draw attention to it because he was embarrassed. McGarrity wasn’t buying it and countered that when a guy shits like that, they wear it as a badge of honor and make jokes about it—got the atomic nacho burrito at Mighty Taco last night—it’s not St. Paddy’s Day and I’m I shitting like I just ate a bucket of corn beef and cabbage. Whatever it was, Laura wanted to get some sleep and was done with this idiotic conversation. It was far from idiotic for McGarrity. After turning down the lights his mind raced with unsettled thoughts about Hausfeld’s shitting until he dozed off at about 2am.
But that was just the tip of the shitsberg, as it were. McGarrity, who works out of house selling industrial cleaning supplies was home each of the next three days and the first thing Hausfeld did each day was shit in that restroom off the kitchen. And each day the noxious stink coming from his contractor’s ass made it’s way to McGarrity’s home office on the opposite side of the house where he was making calls to customers. Hausfeld’s shits were a real distraction for him as he tried to work. He brought it up again with Laura, but she was done with the topic and told him to get a life.
But he couldn’t stop thinking about it and went down to The Bang Bang Bar to talk to the day bartender Linda, and other patrons about the situation. There was general agreement among them that when it came to shitting, that home field advantage was best for proper evacuation. But, that flew in the face of Hausfeld’s shitting practices. Some guessed it might just be a coincidence or his timing was a little off or he was having health issues, but mostly they just shrugged their shoulders, puzzled.
Whatever it was Linda thought it was gross and said McGarrity should confront him. With maybe a bit too much pride Gary Softmint, a retired mailman, said he had many close calls in his thirty-year career delivering mail, but he never had to resort to using the facilities at someone’s home on his route. On a few occasions he did go in a bag in the back of his mail truck, but never at anyone’s house. Joey Lipps recounted how at a dinner party his second wife, Karen took a dump so big she overflowed the host’s toilet and caused thousands of dollars of damage to their ceilings. McGarrity told a story about how he was sick as a kid and ended up with remnants on his baseball pants during a little league game and how his teammates crucified him. Bootsy Friedman, who was sitting at the bar and was a teammate of McGarrity’s apologized to him while laughing, saying he hadn’t thought about that in years.
And, that’s the way the afternoon went. With buzzes starting to kick in, the Bang Bang patrons sat around telling shitting stories and laughing.
Next day as McGarrity was writing Hausfeld a check for the completed work he finally asked him what was with all the shitting: if was a coincidence , his timing, his health… what? Taking the check Hausfeld smiled and said, “Are you kidding me? You smell what comes out of me, I’m not doing that at home. My wife would kill me.”
McGarrity slumped his shoulders in disbelief and didn’t know if he should laugh, yell or punch Hausfeld in the face. In the end he just escorted him wordlessly, out of the house.
