By : David P. Zach—Senior Mud Contributor—
Wondering if this woman is the one you’re meant to be with? Take our 18 question test and see if you can check “Soul Mate” off your bucket list:
You only take her out for wings once a month, and you usually let her pick the flavor. ADD 5 points
She’ll watch the Bills in preseason, and even the occasional Sabre game. ADD 2 points
She doesn’t ask you to go with her visiting niece to Niagara Falls. ADD 3 points
She does ask her “friend” Rocco to go with her, and it turns out she doesn’t have a niece. SUBTRACT 4 points
Your every-third-day bathing routine sits fine with her. ADD 3 points
Your black French beret does not. SUBTRACT 3 points
You wonder if perhaps it is time to buy new underwear. ADD 4 points
You say, out loud, “what am I some fancy boy?!” and decide to stick with your trusty tighty-whities. SUBTRACT 7 points
When that guy Jim walks by, and she and her friends all sigh and swoon and whisper something that sounds an awful lot like “Dirk Diggler”, you absolutely positively don’t think much anything about it. ADD 10 points
When you mention that you think you’d have a shot with Uma Thurman, and she laughs so hard she loses control off both her bladder and the milk she’s drinking, you absolutely positively don’t get hurt feelings about it. ADD 5 points
She has made it clear your firstborn child together will not be named either “Jim” or “Kelly”. SUBTRACT 5 points
Her religion teaches that Bill Belichick is not a physical manifestation of the dark lord Murgbloth. SUBTRACT 4 points
She does not feel that good people are to be found on both sides of a Nazi/anti-Nazi skirmish. ADD 6 points
She thinks Hiroshima and Nagasaki are, respectively, that take-out place and its delivery guy. SUBTRACT 8 points
She realizes that Elvis Costello’s condescending-twerp act masks an annoying and ludicrously overrated musical history. ADD 15 points
She knows who Gordon Sumner is, and speaks his name with proper reverence. ADD 5 points
Birds suddenly appear one out of every three times that she’s near. ADD 3 points
She makes Karen from Accounting look at you in a whole new light, wondering if perhaps she SHOULD have given you the time of day. ADD 7 points
She’ll pretend she doesn’t smell that. Add 4 points.
Tally the score, and add either your age or your waist size. If the number’s over 2, thank your lucky stars and hold on tight! Next week – Our one-question-quiz to see if you’re ready for bikini season!
