Alden, N.Y.—Despite ceasing production in 2007, a shocking amount of Chevy Monte Carlos have been spotted in the Seabrook trailer park in Alden, New York. More vexing than the existence of these Monte Carlos is explaining why such a concentration of the two-door coupes exists.
While vacuuming the trunk of his downsized 1978, V6 with a manual transmission, a cooler full of Busch Lites at his side, FedEx courier extraordinaire Brenden Lindel, explained the Monte Carlo is part luxury and part muscle car. “Doesn’t matter if I’m out for a classy dinner at the Olive Garden or down at the Key Center to see Larry the Cable Guy, my Monte fits in both places and looks damn good doing it.”
In the next lot, brandishing a Make America Great Again cap while detailing his rims, contractor Carmen Liberatore says he bought his 2002, six-speed SS Intimidator in honor of the late great Dale Earnhardt. “Nobody could hammer down on those hairpins like the man in black.” Then, clearing his gullet and spitting on the ground he added, “These snowflakes like Denny Hamlin and Jimmie Johnson drive like they’re wearing Obama’s mom jeans. NASCAR has been shit since the Intimidator bought it that day at Daytona.”
But the Seabrook manager Doris Leaderman said the real reason for the abundance of Monte Carlos is because of SUPERCUTS hair stylist Lynn Strumpet, also known as Babycakes. “I guess the best way I can put it is,” Leaderman said, “Babycakes is a woman of questionable moral convictions.”
Laughing, Babycakes responded, “Questionable moral convictions? If that means I like to have a good time, then fuck yeah, but don’t you come by here with no shitty Camaro or Mustang. Babycakes doesn’t roll in no Camaro or Mustang.”
The mere mention of the name Babycakes makes Lindel suck in his gut and check himself in the driver side mirror. Stammering he says, “Babycakes is all class. As long as I have my Monte Carlo the word “no” isn’t part of her vocabulary.”
Liberatore agreed, “She ain’t much good at sticking around, but out cruising in my Monte with Babycakes is like being part of a story that always comes with a happy ending. There’s nothing quite like it and I been around the block a few times.”
Just then Roger Pytak, the Corrections Officer from lot 31A, pulled up in a 1973 turbo fire V8 with a ragtop, frameless windows and an egg grill. With a smile from ear to ear he says, “Hey fellas, just picked this baby up from a dealer in Kentucky and yeah… I got a date tonight. Going to the Casino first then to Niagara Falls. Still a bit chilly up there, but I’m thinkin there’ll be plenty of heat with Babycakes at my side in the front seat.”
The color drained from both Lindel’s and Liberatore’s faces.
Shaking his head Lindel was the first to speak, “Guess it’s another night of model ships. Babycakes loves my USS Constitution.”
Finishing up his detailing work Liberatore added, “Yeah, well, I’ll be doing some in depth detail work on… myself.” Then looking up to the sky he solemnly added, “Oh Babycakes, you hurt me so, but I’ll never quit you… never.”
