Charlotte, NC—Maeve McNamara, a fifth grader at Landsowne Elementary School had her illusions shattered this past weekend when her father Kevin, dressed in blue suede shoes and a flower infected, paisley sport coat, seemingly cut from Goodwill draperies, escorted the ten-year old to her first Father-Daughter Valentines Dance.
Like all little girls, Maeve had always viewed her dad with a certain idealistic glee. She was Hermione to his Dumbledore; Miley to his Billy Ray, but as her dad stood next to her in that hideous sport jacket, making corny jokes as neighbors snapped pictures of the two of them prior to the dance, for the first time she saw her dad as old and stupid. Also for the first time she noticed his furry untrimmed ears, his extra long head and she really heard the nasally way he talked out the side of his mouth. She was beyond embarrassed, prompting her to pull on his jacket sleeve and to tell him to stop talking.
At the pre-dance dinner, the quick and easy elder McNamara struck up a conversation with Chuck Rossi, the father of the most popular girl in the fifth grade. Bella Rossi didn’t know Maeve existed and it was more than a little annoying that both fathers tried to make it seem as if the girls were great friends, making them pose together for pictures. In a stolen moment when the fathers were talking to each other Bella, with her thumb and forefinger, made an L shape and put it up to her forehead and mouthed the word LOSER in Maeve’s direction. Maeve’s feelings of being crushed by Bella only lasted an instant, and were replaced by further embarrassment as her Dad mugged for more pictures in his dumb jacket, this time for the kid who was a school photographer.
Finally at school Maeve could escape her embarrassing Dad by melting in among her friends and grooving to some Beyonce and Bruno Mars. And, all was going well until she saw her Dad making a cash exchange with the deejay. A moment later Stop Breaking Down by The Rolling Stones was pouring out of the speakers and Maeve’s dad had taken over the dance floor and was doing his best Keith Richards impersonation. At home when he had done this Maeve had always found this charming and funny, but now in front of her whole school with twenty cell phones recording it, she was mortified beyond comprehension.
After a silent car ride home Maeve got a roll of saran wrap from the kitchen and then locked herself in the bathroom. She got her mom’s black hair dye from the closet, worked it into head and scalp, then wound the saran wrap around her head. While she waited for the dye to take, she used mascara to draw thick black lines around her eyes and found some black lipstick which she applied liberally to her mouth. When everything was in place she exited the bathroom, flipped her beer drinking, sportscenter watching father off, went into her room and dialed up an Evanescence mix on YouTube. From that point forward she was determined never to be embarrassed by that side talking, furry eared, long headed, flowery jacket wearing, ass hat again.
