Washington D.C.— With the Republican tax plan now on a glide path to hurt millions of middle class Americans earning less than $75K a year, President Trump is set to inflict some pain on grade schoolers taking part in the National Spelling Bee as its primary host on ESPN in 2018.
Asked to comment on what motivated Trump to become involved in the competition, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the President doesn’t have a great understanding of how government works and isn’t curious to learn how it works and as a result is always kind of in the way at the White House. “His skillset,” she explained, “is outrage and diminishing people and if we’re going to make America great again and we do mean to emphasize AGAIN, we think this venue is a great fit for him. America, in past times was a place where if you screwed up there was always a large, entitled, white man to kick you and rub your face in your failure. This was the bedrock of our society since those first slaves landed in Virginia, right through countless waves of immigrant ships arriving at Ellis Island. The price of admission to America came with a bit of your soul, your human dignity, but now with changing demographics, limp wristed liberalism and an emphasis on positive reinforcement we’ve become little creamy, ineffective snowflakes. The President means to bring the pain. The President means to make us great again.”
Between meetings Trump became very animated when reporters shouted questions about his involvement in the Spelling Bee. “This, I can tell you, the 2018 Spelling Bee will be the greatest, highest rated television event of the year. People are incredibly excited. We’re going to make ESPN a lot of money. Believe me.”
Reporters reminded the President that some kids work for years to compete at this level and the disappointment of being eliminated can be enormous. They wanted to know if he had right temperament to host this competition.
The President responded,”Seeing my family many many people are saying that I am perhaps the greatest father ever. If you look at Don Jr. and Eric right now over in Africa trimming elephant population to sustainable levels, which, by the way, we hope to do next with medicare and social security, trim them down to sustainable levels. And if you look at Ivanka with her great fashion line, which is providing a great living for many many children… I mean workers in Asia. And if you look at that one from Marla Maples who is getting a master’s degree in something or other. And, that’s not even mentioning Jared Kushner, who learned how to comb his hair so carefully under my direction. So, really, I’m sure you’ll agree, not only am I the greatest father ever, but as the host of the number one show in television for a decade, I’ll be just fine with these kids. Believe me.”
Asked how he was going to prepare for the event the President said, “Prepare? By now I’m sure you all know nobody is better at or has more zingers than me. It’s part of my superior DNA. So, those fatty’s, those bad hombres, those girls who may be starting to bleed, they better be prepared to pay for their mis-steps like in times past, when America was great. And, I must say, not only will Spelling Bee contestants become aware of what once made America great, the whole nation will learn that lesson as well. Believe me.”
Tweets to follow.
