Palo Alto, Ca.—First, Cosby, then Weiner and Trump and now allegations of abhorrent sexual misconduct by Hollywood power broker and movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein has made maintence engineer Jim Dunphy realize, in thoughts, deeds and statements, he’s a total asshole.
The often terminated and twice married Palo Alto resident complained for years he was misunderstood and his statements to women in the workplace about the way they filled out a sweater or how certain stretch pants really brought out the roundness of their asses were meant as compliments. “I was just trying to be nice,” was often the refrain he used to explain himself to human resource reps. “Ya know, point out to the ladies that whatever they were doing, it was working.”
Despite his struggles with inappropriate statements in the workplace Dunphy claims he has evolved. His first wife left him after he sent her a short video of himself masterbating while each of them were at work. Understanding this mistake he left out the video and made a call to his second wife while she was at the grocery store and made lewd barking noises as he achieved completion. The unnamed second wife is said to have left her shopping cart, driven to her parents house and locked herself in childhood bedroom for three days until the hideous barking noises left her head. “My second wife was very sensitive,” Dunphy said. “I feel bad about what I put her through.” My acts were meant to show how much I loved and missed being away from both women, but now I know what I did was wrong. And, I’ve learned from these experiences and only engage in self love privately these days. Except for a couple stumbles in the Sunnyvale restrooms, I’ve been very good at controlling myself. And, to be fair, those stumbles occurred when the Stanford women’s cross country team was practicing in the park. I mean, what was I supposed to do?”
Learning about the Weinstein scandal and noting some similarities in his own behavior led Dunphy to do a fateful Google search: creepiest things men do. The results were shocking. Consistently, at every site he consulted, Dunphy found his thoughts, deeds and statements in line with what women found highly creepy. He said, “At first I tried to rationalize, telling myself, ‘What’s so wrong with telling a woman she’s beautiful like fifty times while invading her personal space? Or asking them to: Smile. Or informing them you’ve been thinking about them in private moments and then make the universal gesture for rolling your own dice.’ What’s wrong with any of it?’ And, don’t tell me it’s not funny to send a dick pic asking “How do you like my new hair cut?”
But given the torrent of outrage directed at Weinstein and his own research Dunphy was prompted reassess his life. After a few days of moody reflection which included denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance Dunphy came to the conclusion he is a total asshole and his tattoos are pretty stupid as well.
Dunphy is grateful for this breakthrough, but is unsure where to go from here. “It’s really gratifying to become more self-aware, but after a lifetime of being a total asshole, its not like there’s some switch I can just turn off that would make all my creepiness float away into the ether. My revelations also don’t make Haley, the mail room girl’s ass any less spectacular either. So, for now I’m just trying to remain focused on my work and remove myself from compromising situations, while I get some therapy. But, I swear removing these tattoos will be easier and less painful for a creep like me than not being hypnotized by a healthy pair of boobs…Arrgh, there I go again. I’m such an asshole.”
