Buffalo, NY—A new double-blind study conducted by The Lancet found that Western New Yorkers, on average, think about Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen two hundred seventy-one minutes or 4.51 hours per day. The number varies depending on the time of year, rising at the start of the football season in September and falling when the last game is complete. The numbers rise and fall incrementally with various offseason events like free agency, the draft and mandatory mini-camp in June.
The study found that the preponderance of Josh Allen-related mental activity was focused on football. However, the MVP quarterback loomed large in people’s minds across a wide range of other circumstances:
— Numerous disappointed fathers cited QB1 in their thoughts while pondering where they went wrong with their Cheeto-eating, Fortnite-playing sons.
—Senior citizens being moved out of their homes mentioned that Josh Allen would never put his Papa or Nana in a nursing facility.
—Teachers, being thrown under the bus by administrators, would never suffer that fate with Josh Allen as their leader—even if their name was Stefon Diggs.
—Budget deputies in the new Sean Ryan administration freely admit that the only person who could possibly save the city from fiscal meltdown is Josh Allen.
Voices from Western New York and their Josh Allen thoughts:
Harmon Hawthorn—I used to think about Jesus and all that salvation bullshit, but now I’m consumed with how Josh can beat a cover three, double shell defense.
Bucky Blatenbutt—I’m in the midst of a breakup. Brandon ran off with a trumpet player named Kenny, who supposedly has this really crisp tongue and a balanced embouchure. When I’m not preoccupied with that, I spend a lot of time imagining myself on the business end of a Josh Allen tush push.
Heidi Handcrafter—At some point during a recent string of bad dates, I found myself daydreaming about rugged #17 and how he wouldn’t waste my evening rambling about on about a vintage toy soldier collection, axe-throwing leagues, the wheel size on his F-250, or any of the other dumb guy shit meant to compensate for a lack of being funny, interesting or having an acceptable penis.
Black Betty—When I’m not Bam Ba Lamming, I’m thinking about Josh Allen.
Brandon Beane—I think about how Josh has papered over, and saved my ass from all my shitty picks: Boogie Bashim, Cody Ford, Kaiir Elam, to name a few. The biggest miss might be Keon Coleman. If we don’t make the Super Bowl, a tub of Preparation H won’t keep my seat from being red hot. Please Josh, save my ass again.
Rounding out the top-ten things Western New Yorkers think about:
—Work Conflicts, such as dealing with assholes like Holly, from accounting, who is always riding everyone’s ass about expense reports.
—Family Drama, where out-of-town siblings pop in at the end and steal your parents’ silverware while you’re at Hospice caring for your mom.
—Aldis: ground beef costs eight fucking dollars per pound?
—Porn.
—Chicken Wings.
—Pot Holes.
—Kids: when the fuck are they going to move out?
—When will the Sabres start their ten-game skid?
—County Executive Mark Poloncarz—what a douche!
—Will the Bills draft Josh Allen and Hailee Steinfeld’s baby in 2048?
The Bills and Josh Allen play in the divisional round of the NFL Playoffs on Saturday, January 17th, at 4:30 in Denver against the Broncos.
