Venice, Italy—This past weekend, Amazon dork and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew look-alike, Jeff Bezos, married giant silicon-breasted lizard woman, Lauren Sanchez, in a lavish fifty-million-dollar ceremony in Venice, Italy. Since the event didn’t result in Bezoz, Sanchez and their two hundred fucking loser guest being turned into Sodom and Gomorrah like pillars of salt, it should be seen as definitive proof there is no God.
The wedding was perhaps the biggest gathering of self-important assholes in decades and God could have made a powerful statement by wiping out all these loathsome motherfuckers. The guest list included world-class grifters Jared and Ivanka, a bevy of fake, talentless Jenners and Kardashians, the Jordanian royal family, wishing to be relevant again, Oprah and her friend Gayle King, in search of model number thirty-seven, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom—I guess I’m a fucking loser playboy now—Brady, and supposed it girl—Sydney Sweeney.
To avoid planned protests, the event was held on Friday, inside the Arsenale, a 14th-century complex of former shipyards and armories located on the eastern side of Venice’s historic center. The wedding reception took place on Bezos’ five-hundred-million-dollar yacht, the Koru. Under different circumstances, it might be ironic that the word Koru is derived from Maori culture and refers to an unfurling spiral shape like a lizard tongue—but not here.
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A lame-ass pajama party, which saw guests dress in silk robes and gowns that Hugh Hefner would have deemed tacky, closed out the festivities on Saturday night with career suicide performances by Usher and DJ Cassidy.
With the shuddering of USAID already resulting in some three hundred thousand deaths in developing countries, the opening of Trump’s detention center in the Florida Everglades, named Alligator Alcatraz, and the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, which would see millions of people lose their healthcare, and a massive rollback of climate initiatives, God could have made a huge statement with some righteous and deadly fucking smiting at the Bezos wedding, save for Bill Gates—we still need him to implant the tracking devices in people.
But, as has always been the case, God let us down because quite frankly there is no God, and we fucking suck.
