Western New York—As the school year comes to a close this week, area teachers are not only creating summer reading lists, grading exams, and buttoning up classrooms, but also are preparing for some heavy-ass, end-of-year drinking. Given the expected amount of drinking that is to occur, teachers have been exercising, eating nutrient-dense whole foods, getting proper rest, and most of all, hydrating.
Lisa Lemon, a Sloan middle school teacher, related that she’s really ready for a major bender. “Something about telling these kids to put their phones away seven hundred times a day just makes you want to go ape shit with a bottle of Patron. I’ve been visualizing it for weeks, and I just can’t wait to have that woozy lightheaded feeling. Unfortunately, I also see myself making the decision to be in the Walmart parking lot in the back of the school engineer Tony’s pickup truck. The way that guy fills out a flannel shirt—gabba gabba check my oil and all my gauges. I’ll hate myself in the morning, and seeing him when school resumes in the fall will be uncomfortable, but I’ll deal with that then. I need this shit now.”
Aerial Acosta, a high school English teacher in Hamburg, expressed frustration at parents endlessly monitoring curriculum and her teaching style. “I’m here day after day trying to make goddamn Lady McBeth interesting and relatable to these over-indulged Gen Z slackers while their Mom’s For Liberty parents bust my ass about the appropriateness of Shakespeare, which I don’t know, has been part of sophomore English for about four-hundred-fucking-years. You bet I’m going to drink. And, I’m not looking for wine with hints of oak and a cocoa finish—I’m looking to get hammered. In preparation, I’ve been downing eight glasses of water daily for a month. Both my pee and my blood are translucent at this point.”
Claude Carrintoad, an Earth Science teacher from Riverside, has been working his Peloton and consuming Gatorade for weeks. “I also have been trying to prepare three sections of disinterested, eye-rolling, yung kai obsessed, Nintendo Switch playing mutants for Regents exams. On top of that, I’ve been breaking up fights in both A & B lunches and after school as they get on buses. Oh yeah, and I saw a big chunk of my 403b plan evaporate. So my body, my head, and my bank account are all beaten to shit. You bet I’m ready to dive into a 1.75 liter bottle of Jack Daniels. And I’m going to listen to some real music like Led Zeppelin. None of this yung kai stuff—WTF is that anyway—yung kai?
Area teachers can cleanse and reset from the 24-25 year until September 2, when the 25-26 school year begins. Drink up.
