Washington, D.C.—While markets tumbled precipitously Monday, President Donald Trump participated in the White House’s traditional Easter Egg Roll and Coloring Contest. Like at his Doral Golf Club, where he recently claimed he had won the senior championship, Trump also declared victory in the egg roll and coloring contests, calling his opponents, whose ages ranged from four to ten years old—major losers.
Said the President, “These kids are major losers. They all came here today with their lunatic left, DEI mindset, thinking they would just be given eggs instead of having to do the hard work of finding them. Sure, I had Little Marco crawling around on the ground finding eggs for me, and Stephen Miller upended all the fast and shifty brown and black kids, but I can tell you this, when it comes to coloring and egg rolls (both at the White House and Number One Kitchen), it’s all about winning, and I am the winningest, winner in the history of our country. No one has ever won like me, your favorite president.”
“Also, a lot of people are saying I should ship all those loser kids like Riley and Grayson and Zoey, who cried like little bitches after I beat them, off to the El Salvador prisons. Like Mike Pence, they couldn’t be counted on to fight for our country when things got tough. I would’ve liked to have shipped off these weak assed kids, but we grifted as much $200K from corporate sponsors, and it wouldn’t be a good look for them, and I’ll need to shake these sponsers down again in the very near future.”
Future egg rolls are expected to be rebranded as “The Donald Trump Egg Roll.” The event will feature golden eggs and a golden trophy embossed with the president’s image.
Details to follow as the president is again expected to spend the day haranguing another major loser, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, and thus evaporate trillions more from Americans’ bank accounts.
