A quick survey of resolutions across Western New York in the New Year:
Wanda Wannamaker— (School bus driver, Cheektowaga) “I’m resolved to falling in love again. Well, maybe not love, but after divorcing my husband, Wally, and taking half his pension, 401K, the dog, the house, and his F150, I’m going to love finding some Gen X arm candy who doesn’t make me wait thirty minutes for the blue pill to kick in and whose ass isn’t like a flat whiteboard spelling out the specials at the diner. I’m going swoon and get all lightheaded watching my new dude drive Wally’s truck, spend his retirement money, and make the dog his own.”
Luanne Lemon—(BPO Violinist 2nd Chair, Buffalo) “In the New Year, I’m going to pretend to be straight again. With all these redhat mutants around and all this talk of authoritarianism and enemies lists, it’s just safer to be straight like it’s the ‘50s or something. I’ll still keep living my truth on the down low, but on the surface, I’ll be all Phyllis Schlafly. And, I suppose that means I’ll have to go on dates with dudes who talk endlessly about Josh Allen, grilling, and how the $60K they make is a lot of money—Lord help me.”
Tony Telletripe— (Unemployed, Location Unknown) “I’m resolved to give up in the New Year. I’ve worked my ass off for years thinking I was going to make something of this life, something of myself, but I never get anywhere, and life keeps beating my ass down. So, fuck it. I’m going to sleep late, eat burgers, smoke weed, and just get all sloppy. I’m never using my fucking blinker again; I’m parking in the handicapped spots, and I’m getting in the express lane with a full cart of groceries, and everybody can just kiss my ass.”
Jordan Greenway—(Injured Hockey Player) The Sabres’ six-foot, six-inch forward has missed sixteen games due to injury this season. In the New Year, he is resolved to play at least thirty of the remaining forty-six games as long as he doesn’t hear any shit about being hurt all the time. “I played sixty-seven games last year, which is almost two full seasons for me. So, everybody needs to watch what they say because I will shut it down for the rest of the year.”
Bono—(Self-Important Irish Crooner) “I’ll be releasing material in the New Year that will be the same as all my other material that makes all the soulless boomers in America think they’re on some kind fucking spiritual journey rather than just buying me a second castle in Ireland. One thing I am resolved about with this mediocre new release is that it will be at least as vapid and pretentious as anything my one-named musical brother Sting, who has three castles, will put out in this year.”
Jack Conrad—(Former South Buffalo Character) “I’m resolved in the New Year to get my ass out of purgatory and into the Upper Realm with my girl, Raquel Welch. She transitioned recently with that velvety bastard, Burt Bacharach. Despite constantly telling me to get away from her, I’m pretty sure I made a big impression on that girl. I saw her smile when I talked shit to Carl Weathers and Fernando Valenzuela . I also saw her giggle when I challenged them to feats of strength. South Buff peeps, do me a solid before Bacharach gets all the way to San Jose with her and say some prayers for me. Have a Mass of intentions, pray the Rosary or make some other fucking devotions so the magic beard man notices me and moves me along. Thanks. ”
Karyn Kryer—(Office Manager, Hamburg) “In the New Year, I’m going to become lactose intolerant. Not for any health reasons or because I can’t process dairy. It’s just something I’m going to do and say because I want attention. I’m going to subject friends and coworkers to long, boring conversations about soy and the health benefits of soy. I’m also going to pretend I fell off the wagon when I’m feeling gassy so I can fart with impunity at work. Rather than everyone being grossed out, I’ll get love, support, and understanding while disseminating mustard gas from my asshole. How great is that?”
Beverly Johnson— (Model, Buffalo) “I have no resolutions for the New Year. I’m just going to continue to be my hot-ass self and watch all of you fidget and stammer when I walk by. I’ll entertain some of your weak-ass come-ons, lead you on, and then pass on you like hard day-old bread. And, if you give me any lip about it, I’ll get you to max out that credit card on clothes and jewelry I don’t even want. I love being hot.”
Grover Cleveland—(Long Dead Former President from Buffalo for which a shitty golf course at Main & Baily is named ) “With Trump coming into office again, I’m going to use him to pad my legacy as the other more-consequential non-consecutive person elected President. If you remember, they called me the Veto President because I vetoed endless wasteful government spending like pensions for those crybaby Civil War veterans— Wah, I lost a leg trying to preserve the Union. I also drove the economy into depression. Read about it here: The Panic of 1893? Trump and his dumb tariff plans are going to make me look like Milton Friedman, Paul Krugman, and Milton Keynes all rolled into one. (By the way, Milton seems to be the preferred name of great economists.)”
Bambi—(Dancer, Pharoah’s Gentlemen’s Club, Williamsville) “No comment.”
P.A.Kane—(1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author, West Seneca) “In the New Year, I’m just going to continue to party hearty, stay cool, and try to keep my eyes open when someone snaps a pic. Peace. Go Bills!!! ”
