Mar-A-Loco, Fl.—Seeking to diminish the intense blowback over the controversial cabinet nominations of Robert Kennedy Jr. at Health and Human Services and Pete Hegseth at the Department of Defense, President-elect Donald Trump tapped Moon Unit Zappa (57) to head the United States Space Force (USSF). However, Zappa, an actress, singer, author, and the eldest child of the deceased rock musician Frank Zappa, tuned down the offer, unequivocally.
In a recent statement on Truth Social, the President-elect said, “Today I am putting forward Moon Unit Zappa to head the beautiful and one-of-a-kind United States Space Force, which I created and is the greatest rockety-space thing in the history of the world. Moon, first came to prominence as a voice in her father’s hit song “Valley Girl” and as VJ on MTV. Most importantly, her name is Moon Unit, and I can tell you this: no one is more qualified to head a space bureau than someone named Moon Unit. She literally has space words in her name.”
Moon Unit Zappa, who is currently on a book tour promoting her memoir Earth to Moon, which chronicles growing up in the unconventional Zappa household, was shocked to learn of the nomination. “I don’t even know Trump,” she said. “But let me be clear—if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve. And, furthermore, gag me with a giant pumpkinhead spoon. Like barf me out, that is like grody to the max.”
The refusal has the President-elect’s transition team scrambling to find a suitable replacement. Names being floated include George Jetson and Marvin the Martain. Trump is said to like the idea of an animated character to fill this role, especially one like Jetson, who always took it like a man when he was getting bitch slapped by his boss, Mr. Spacley— “Very appealing,” said the President-elect. Trump is also said to be thinking about the Looney Tunes character, Marvin the Martain—he likes the space character’s unpredictability and tolerance of violence. Out of the running are Moon Maid from the Dick Tracy comic strip and Dr. Manhatten from The Watchman. Insiders say they were rejected due to low ratings.
However, it seems Alice Kramden has the inside track to head up USSF. The wife of the scheming and volatile Ralph Kramden, Mrs. Kramden, is known for her grace under pressure and for not suffering fools. Plus, she has been to the moon and back several times. On Truth Social, Trump said, “People are saying it would be an inspired pick to put the highly rated Alice Kramden in at USSF. America First. Winning.”
Trump will be inaugurated on January 20th, 2025.
