Local Man Finally Accepts His Best Friends Are Assholes

Chuck Wagonblott

Cheektowaga, NY—After five years of arguing, Chuck Wagonblott, an English teacher at Amherst High School has finally accepted that his lifelong friends are assholes. A downcast Wagonblott said, “The last time I felt this bad was freshman year when Mary Anne Coniglio, after months of painstaking work, waved me over to second base and then in front of all her friends dumped me because my “technique was inadequate.” Back then, my buds: Squeaky Pete, Little Mikey and Bone knew all the right names to call her to make me feel better.” 

Little Mikey

But it’s different now and it all started with Donald Trump running for President. Wagonblott noted up until then none of his childhood friends ever even talked about politics. So when they started popping off about Trump on social media and talking MAGA bullshit he was shocked. “I mean, we started out being friends through sports and then girls. It was always just light and breezy. Now these guys  talk about the election like they’re fucking constitutional lawyers. And, Little Mikey with all this nonsense about Q’Anon and the Jews using lasers to set fires in California. It’s just so disheartening.”

It came to a head this week with the second impeachment trial of Trump when Wagonblott finally accepted what he probably knew all along. “One does ponder that their friends might be assholes when they drink fifty shots of Fireball and then use their bodies to destroy folding tables at a Bills tailgate. Or when they throw away a marriage because their wife after a long day of working the counter at the Omega Deli doesn’t look or smells like olive loaf and not the girl next door.”

But the last straw was when they started to argue on social media about the impeachment. A frustrated Wagonblott said, “Squeaky Pete once asked me if JFK (as in John F. Kennedy)wrote the Harry Potter series before or after he was in office, mistaking him for JK Rowling. And, now the fucking guy is talking monetary policy and is railing about the money being wasted on the impeachment. Or Bone, he goes off on the Dems about abuse of power, but when you ask about Trump calling the Georgia Secretary of State and telling him to find 11K votes or the call to the President of Ukraine to get him to investigate Joe Biden, he gets all smug and calls you a brainwashed libtard. I just can’t take this shit from those assholes anymore.”

At work Wagonblott does have more progressive, media literate friends, but he’s not sure they’re really his kind of people. “I like that they’re well read and in tune with the real problems like inequality and climate change, but they eat their wings with ranch dressing and they don’t get why everyone hates Tom Brady. Worst of all they think fucking Coldplay is a good band.”

Wagonblott is going to monitor his asshole friends’ social media for the remainder of the winter, hoping by spring they’re over all this political bullshit and they can get back to just doing fun things like playing cards and golfing.

By P.A. Kane