Buffalo Mud Letters


Buffalo, NY–November 2019
Dear Buffalo Mud,

My heart is broken. Over the summer I met the man of my dreams. It was a hot July night and he stepped off the Tiki Tour Boat like he was stepping onto a yacht. For a month he wined and dined me at the best happy hours on the Southside, then he just disappeared like playoff dreams in December. He won’t answer my calls, I can’t stop crying, and now it’s starting to burn when I pee. How do I win him back?

Downhearted in Downtown

 Dear Downhearted,

I’m so sorry to hear this. But the Buffalo Tiki Tours have a reputation for attracting rakes and scoundrels. Keep calling him, preferably several times a day, and don’t stop there: men love surprise home visits from old flames. And speaking of flames, there’s some over-the-counter pumpkin spice ointment that should help ‘down there’.


Dear Buffalo Mud,

So, I met this chick named Jan at Hatches and Hops, took her home, rocked her world. Couple days later, I meet her there again, this time with her friends. They’re all whispering and laughing, and they keep telling me to use one of the “junior-sized” axes, as that’s the kind of equipment “I’m used to”. So, clearly all her friends want me too. How can I score with them without pissing off Jan?

Buck Stud in Black Rock

Dear Buck Stud in Black Rock,

Right on. Hit ‘em and quit ‘em, that’s my motto.  All these chicks clearly want you. I actually had a similar experience: buncha babes ordering me cocktail wieners at the local watering hole. Paying for them too! Just tread carefully; make it clear you’re only in it for the short haul.


Dear Buffalo Mud,

I’m a former Buffalo Jill and current yoga instructor who’s looking for the right man to keep me warm this winter. He needs to be older, smart, and a lover of words, with dubious taste in music. I’m not a fan of stamina, girth, or hair, and my settlement with the NFL left me with more money than I could ever spend. Glasses are a huge plus but not a deal breaker. Can you help me find that special someone??

Hot Thing in Cold Springs

Dear Hot Thing,

Try Rochester.

By Dave Smith- Senior Mud Contributor