Seattle Wa.—MacKenzie Bezos recently reached a thirty-five billion dollar divorce settlement with her husband of twenty-five years, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos. While the split was couched in gauzy terms: loving exploration and conscious uncoupling, once the breakup was final MacKenzie Bezos quickly announced she would never sleep with another big eared, bald dork again.
“I’m done with that shit,” the third richest woman in the world said. She then turned to an assistant and directed them to get Drake’s digits, saying “Young Money White Knight about to get himself a new boo- a new, rich as hell boo, and we be doing some real tracking. If he’s good maybe I’ll buy him a new studio or some other shit after breakfast.”
Since the divorce was finalized, Ms.Bezos has also been linked to George Clooney, Chris Hemsworth, Brad Pitt and others. An inside source said, “She keeps a gold plated tin of Viagra on a night stand in a lavish bedroom she calls, The Smash Box and goes through A-listers faster than Trump goes through acting cabinet heads.”
After chatting up Tom Brady at a charity event Ms.Bezos was overheard telling the star quarterback’s wife- supermodel Gisele Bundchen: “You’re on notice, girl. I’m maybe going to steal him away from you. I’m going to see for myself if he really is the GOAT- Baa! If he really scores I might buy him a research lab where he can develop all those dumb supplements that he thinks will allow him to him play forever.”
Bundchen stormed away with Ms. Bezos calling out to her: “Don’t go Gisele, I was just about to have one of my assistants get you Tyrod Taylor or Andy Dalton’s numbers. I hear they’re available.”
Later that night Bezos ran barefoot through the event parking lot drinking champagne and breaking windshields with a baseball bat while yelling: “I’m free. I’m free. No more dorks.”
An assistant was close behind depositing $10K checks beneath car windshield wipers to pay for damages.
