United States of America—People from all across the United States with ears and the ability to think critically are hoping KI$$’s end of the road tour is the real end for the sonically challenged, illiterate rock band. Unfortunately, as we all know these rock farwell tours are just a gimmick to sell tickets and will be followed by seven more end of the road tours. But people who value art above commerce are hoping perhaps for some type of mishap befall KI$$ front men and rock retailers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley on their supposed end of the road tour.
Nobody wants or is suggesting they get hurt badly, but enough so they are rendered incapable of ever touring or putting out another record again. Maybe a little bus crash where Simmons’ famous tongue is partially severed and he speaks with a pronounced lisp like that kid from grade school before he received speech therapy. And, maybe Paul Stanley could suffer throat damage from a bowl of flaming hot soup so that when he tries to belt out Detroit Rock City, he sounds like Patrick from Sponge Bob Square Pants. Okay, he already sounds like Patrick from Sponge Bob, but something that will render both of them incapable of singing or touring again because sure as shit falls to the bottom of a toilet these money grubbing assholes are going to find a fork at the end of the road and just keep on asking you to pay the toll.
Whatever mishap might befall them, it won’t stop the corporate rockers from pushing their KI$$ Clock Radios, KI$$ Caskets, KI$$ Lunch Boxes and everything else they sell, but it will save people with ears and critical thinking ability the insult of ever having to endure the tragedy of songs like Burn Bitch Burn which features brilliant Gene Simmons couplets like this:
When love rears its head, I want to get on your case
Ooh baby, want to put my log in your fireplace
Or the Paul Stanley penned tune Love Gun, which includes these inspirational lines:
I really love you baby, I love what you’ve got
Let’s get together, we can get hot
No more tomorrow baby, time is today
Girl, I can make you feel okay
No place for hidin’ baby
No place to run
You pull the trigger of my
Love gun (love gun), love gun
Love gun (love gun), love gun
So vapid and bad are KI$$ even Jon Bon Jovi shakes his head in disgust.
You can do your part to end this American embarrassment by having your shaky, failed his road test twice, sixteen year old practice his parallel parking near the hotel where KI$$ is staying. Or maybe you’re on the culinary staff at said hotel. You could come into working really hungover and forget to turn the heat down on Paul Stanley’s chicken soup thus initiating throat damage.
People with ears and critical thought are hoping, begging and praying for a real end to the KI$$ nightmare.
