Arcade, NY—On the Saturday before Christmas, with darkness approaching, steady snow and thirty-seven deliveries left, rural FedEx Express driver Chuck Ollenburg’s Mercedes Sprinter slipped helplessly into a ditch off of Route 39 in the Arcade hills. Despite good tire tread, low gear and six-hundred pounds of sand bags weighing down the back end the truck was no match for mother nature. Thankfully, Chuck still had cell reception and was able contact his dispatcher and secure a tow…in three hours.
After running through a series of useless curses directed at all the lazy ass online Amazon and Wal-Mart shoppers Chuck quietly accepted his fate. Looking at social media he became thoroughly depressed seeing friends and family all gearing up for a night holiday cheer while he sat in this ditch, knowing he was going to spend Christmas Eve delivering the remaining thirty-seven stops on his truck.
With nothing to do Chuck’s mind drifted back to his high school bedroom, where he was doing one hitters, listening to Insane Clown Posse, while trying to do his Algebra homework. He remembered being really close to solving an equation using the Pythagorean theorem, but he just couldn’t work it out and instead of texting his math whiz friend Tommy Sargente, he did another hit, turned up the ICP and said to himself, When am I ever going to need this Algebra bullshit. He then tried to get Haley Smith, this girl he had his eye on, to return his texts.
His revelry was broken by a tapping noise on the side of truck. Momentarily Chuck thought it was the tow, two hours early. YES, he said to himself. But it wasn’t the tow, it was the nice Amish man whose ditch Chuck was sitting in. The man asked if he wanted to come, keep warm in the house while he waited for the tow. Sitting at this angle Chuck didn’t think it was a good idea to keep the engine running while he waited and accepted the man’s offer.
His name was Jacob Soltzfus and he was a clockmaker…a passionate clockmaker. After some delicious freshly baked bread and tea Soltzfus showed him his clocks. Chuck wasn’t much into clocks, but he did admire Soltzfus passion, even if it was for something as weird as clocks. This prompted another memory and a hasty exit from Soltzfus’ house.
He tried to fight it but walking down that long icy driveway Chuck couldn’t get another passionate guy out of his mind, his Uncle Joey, a Union Plumber. When it became apparent Chuck was a washout at school his mom got him an apprenticeship with his Uncle Joey, who was forever talking valves and water pressure and his Union brothers. He remembered a heated argument between Uncle Joey and his Dad which came to blows when his Dad insisted on using pex instead of copper to redo their kitchen. He also remembered how he only lasted a week at the apprenticeship. The work was hard and dirty and the guys were merciless, asking Uncle Joey if he had any other daughters and if was she was going make sandwiches for the crew. The razzing was endless, but if Chuck had stuck it out, he would be a master plumber by now earning $150K a year.
Back in his truck looking at social media again he saw a pic of Uncle Joey and his third wife enjoying Christmas poolside in the Bahamas. He also was part of a group text from his old math whiz buddy, Tommy Sargente. who worked cyber security for the FBI. Sargente was at his condo in Florida with Haley Smith and they were announcing their plans for a June 2018 wedding. In the pic showing off the engagement rock, Chuck couldn’t help but notice that Haley was just as beautiful as she was in high school.
Just then, as a heartbreaking depression was settling over Chuck, he received a message from his dispatcher saying the tow was delayed and it would be another hour or more until they could get to him. Taking in this latest bit of bad news a hushed calm came over Chuck and he quietly began to weep as he mused about his life choices.
