Washington, D.C.—The conservative media company “The Daily Wire” announced this week that it would be spending one-hundred million dollars to produce anti-WOKE children’s programming to counter the out of control gayness and inclusiveness of Disney. On his podcast, guy who narked on everyone in grade school, Ben Shapiro said, “We’re going to start making kids content over here at Daily Wire specifically. So you don’t have to be catered to by companies who hate your guts and cater to the people who despise your values.”
Slated for production this summer is a program tentatively titled: “Stand Your Ground Kids.” The show will revolve around a rotating cast of armed suburban white kids who gun down racially ambiguous peers that make them feel uncomfortable. In the first episode two ten-year old quasi-Asian boys are shot dead at a suburban Atlanta swimming pool after a group of white girls on recess from the “Joel Osteen Summer Connection” day camp felt threatened by their presence. In court the young shooters will defend themselves by saying these exotic interlopers were “cannonballing in an aggressive manner,” were “scary good at Marco Polo” and reeked of the “Kung Flu.” Of course, the Georgia court will exonerate the shooters citing stand your ground laws. So the show, which will be narrated by Kyle Rittenhouse, besides being action packed will also provide civic lessons.
Another show in production is tentatively titled “Gumby and Pokey Pull Chicks.” Taken from the clay animation series of the 1960’s which featured Gumby, a green humanoid who ambulated by a twirling disk in his foot and his best friend Pokey, an orange genderless pony. Anyone who’s ever watched the original show or its recent incarnations is aware of the barely below the surface sexual tension between the two clay characters and wonders if they ever will consummate their forbidden inter-species love. Well, in the Daily Wire version of the show there is none of that—the two loamy characters are one-hundred percent heterosexual. While Pokey trains Phillies at the racetrack, Gumby rocks up at the gym. Pokey is always falling in love and Gumby, in a wife beater, pulls chicks down at the bar. In a sad attempt at irony — each tries to make the other more like him. The show is not without controversy. In the season finale Pokey falls for a donkey from the wrong side of the tracks and no one — especially not Pokey—knows what he’ll do.
Other shows in production are “Keep It In The Closet,” where kids with questions about sexuality, gender, race or other changing cultural norms are thrown into a dark closet for hours on end without electronic devices or snacks. The “Old Testament Power Hour” where children are taught obedience and discipline and none of that snowflaky New Testament bullshit about forgiveness and humility. And finally, there will be an update to the old “Happy Days” show, which featured a mechanic in a leather jacket who was great with the ladies and could get a jukebox to play by tapping it in the exact right spot. In the new version “Fonz 2022” the auto mechanic keeps the leather, adds tattoos and screams down school board members and people who get the Covid vaccine. As you might imagine, he’s not so great with the ladies.
If all goes to plan these shows will be available for streaming in the fall 2022.