Pre-Schooler Takes Steps In Understanding The Only True Fun In Life Is Drinking And Sex

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Indian Rocks Beach, Fl.—Building sand castles with his parents at Indian Rocks Beach this past Saturday morning pre-schooler Dylan Claymore of Kenmore took his first steps in understanding the only true fun in life is drinking and sex.

His bored and annoyed parents, Tom and Melissa spent hours erecting a serviceable sand castle, which included two towers and a moat. But as the weather changed at the beach with more intense wind and waves that inched further inland, the castle was slowly destroyed. According to plan, little Dylan cried like a baby as he watched his castle be consumed by the elements.

With the first part of the lesson complete, the loving parents moved on to phase two. Melissa moved their blanket and chairs away from the water while Tom filled their beach bucket with numerous loads of wet sand to build a second castle. This time little Dylan was going to build the castle.

Fighting back the extreme frustration and in need of a drink badly both Tom and Melissa instructed Dylan on how to pack the plastic sand castle molds with wet sand and then discharge the contents by carefully flipping over the mold and tapping the sides. After several demonstrations Dylan excitedly wanted to give it a try. 

Right from the start, each time he turned over the mold he was presented with a shitty, crumbling pile of sand. Patiently Tom and Melissa walked him through the process several more times to no avail. With each successive failure you could see little Dylan becoming more frustrated and dead inside. When he finally started to kick over the shitty lumps of sand that were supposed to be his castle and again cry, Tom and Melissa gathered up their things and went back to their hotel room.

Back at their hotel Tom and Melissa sat Dylan down with an iPad while they did several shots of tequila and then got it on in their bathroom. When they emerged all happy and calm both of them kissed Dylan on the head, but he barely noticed since he was really caught up in a game of Bubble Guppies on the iPad. Cracking open a couple of beers and looking at their phones Melissa noted that it was going to get really hot later in the day and maybe they could piss Dylan off by going for a long pointless walk. 

Looking up from his phone Tom smiled at Melissa and said, “World’s greatest mother.”

He then stood up and took her by the hand and walked her back into the bathroom.   

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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