Despite the long absence, Derek believes he’s been doing all the right things—going to the gym, skipping that third slice of pizza, not talking about Zach Benson nearly as much as he wants to. But Daphne, a cute little bug of a woman, didn’t seem to notice him even when he was splayed out on their bed after a shower in just a towel, looking all sexy at three-quarters chub.  

“It’s frustrating,” Derek said. “I mean, besides taking care of myself, I’ve made sacrifices. I agreed to her getting this Chihuahua—Roscoe. That little rat dog is always biting at my ankles and pissing in my shoes. I listen to her work stories about her Gen Z friend Hannah, who can’t see that Josh is just using her for her DLC and her Hulu password.  I built her a She Shed in the yard where she’s supposed to be pursuing a mindfulness practice and becoming her best self, but all she does in there is drink wine and watch Heather Cox Richardson on her iPad—if I had a nickel for every time Daphne mentioned Heather Cox Richardson, I could bend the moral fucking arc of history myself.”

Though frustrated, Derek has remained steadfast. On a recent Tuesday night, after a dinner of frozen Aldi meat lasagna and Caesar salad, he came up behind Daphne while she was at the kitchen sink and began to kiss her on the neck and touch her. With Roscoe pulling at his pant leg, she turned around and asked what he was doing? But before she could fully object, he hit her mark. Turns out, there was still some magic in his old fingers, and in no time, she was moaning like in the old days.  

In a blur, he had her in the back bedroom, sitting on the side of the bed with her pants off. He got down on his knees, looked up at her once, and then went to town. With Roscoe barking judgmentally at his feet, he dug deep, looking past her workday mustiness and unkemptness. Her body began to twitch and shake. She whispered his name over and over: Derek…Derek, prompting him to dig deeper still as pain seared through his burning knees, and oddly angled neck. When she was right there, lingering on the edge, writhing and quaking with pleasure, he made his final push, with a helicopter technique he learned from Hustler magazine when he was fourteen, she finally—finally—crossed over and exploded in unrepentant victory.

He pulled back, stood up, and began to undress, his face glistening. After drawing a several breaths, Daphne got to her feet, pulled up her underwear and pants, and asked what he was doing with an incredulous look on her face. She scooped up Roscoe and said, “Honey, could you finish up the dishes? There’s a new episode of Rooster on HBO tonight, and I’m a couple behind.” Without waiting for an answer, and Derek at full chub, she thanked him, then kissed him on the cheek and said, “Yikes, I need a shower.”

Derek went to the kitchen, finished off the pan of lasagna, and went to bed without doing the dishes.

The post Amherst Woman Remains Clueless Even After Husband Goes To Town On Her appeared first on buffalomud.com.

This past November Norkwood experienced chest pains after clearing six-feet of lake effect snow one-shovelful at a time from the driveway of his South Buffalo home. Emergency room doctors at Mercy Hospital were able to stabilize and discharge him relatively quickly, but with orders to get a plow service, cut back on Imperial wings, shots at Molly Maguires and do a follow up visit with a cardiologist.

Self Hating Sabres Fans Missing The Misery

Taking the recommendation, Norkwood booked an appointment with Dr. Dan Woggleghenter at WNY Cardiology. After interviewing Norkwood and running some preliminary tests, Dr. Woggleghenter found his heart to be relatively fit, especially for someone from South Buffalo, and encouraged him to continue to make healthy food and lifestyle choices. He also advised Norkwood to check with him if he was going to engage in any behaviors that would potentially increase his stress.

Despite the decade plus of futility by the Sabres, Norkwood is excited by this young and fun to watch team. But given his recent cardiac event and the troubling end to another Bills season he thought it would be wise to check with Dr. Woggleghenter before jumping on the bandwagon.

Upon hearing Nokwood’s idea the cardiologist asked if he had suffered some kind of trauma, maybe a blow to the head with a blunt object? He also inquired about his knowledge of recent Sabres history—missing the playoffs for the last eleven years, finishing last in the East in 2013, 14, 17, 18, 20, Ralph Krueger, Phil Housley, Zack Fucking Bogosian?

When Norkwood acknowledged he was fully aware of the recent history and hadn’t been hit in the head Dr. Woggleghenter bluntly told him: “Like the Bills, in the end they’re going to rip your heart out. Jeff Skinner is about to go into a twenty-game goal scoring slump, Rasmus Dahlin’s acne and his snowflakey Scandinavian play is about to return, the players only meeting when their playoff hopes start to slip away will produce two wins and then a ten game losing streak to end the season. Don Granato and Kevyn Adams will be fired and replaced by Dominic Hasek and Miroslav Satan who will promptly trade away Tage Thompson and Alex Tuch for draft picks and start yet another rebuild.”

Norkwood again said he was aware of the potential outcomes. Dr. Woggleghenter would only endorse the plan with a full cardiac workup that included a stress test, an electrocardiogram and a thirty-day study of Norkwood’s heartbeat pattern via a Biotel Heart Monitor device that attaches to the chest.

The cardiologist believes given the thirty day window the Sabres will be in dumpster fire mode saving his patient a lot of undue anguish and stress on his heart.

The post After Terrible End To Bills Season Local Man Checks With Cardiologist Before Jumping On Sabres Bandwagon appeared first on buffalomud.com.

We did our part to help Congressman Higgins tighten up his fashion game.
1. Hair Stylists Stage Intervention At Congressman Higgins’ Office

Every year contains its share of chance meetings and narrow escapes. No escape was as fortuitous in 2022 as the one made by a Buffalo woman who avoided a night out with local drummer “Bad Ronald.”
2. Woman Narrowly Escapes Night Out With Local Drummer “Bad Ronald”

Being the wife of the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author has never been good enough for P.A.Kane’s wife.
3. Handyman’s Skills Prompt Wife Of Local Author To Reevaluate Life Choices

Nothing says epic fail in 2022 like the wave at a Sabres game. For the love of God Buffalo please stop.
4. Lame Third Period Wave Marrs Rick Jeanneret’s Glorious Final Call

Ryan Fitzpatrick turned the page on his NFL career and now is using the “Fitzmagic” for the greater good.
5. Former Bills Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick To Advocate For “Hairy Man” Causes In Retirement

Much is made of being grateful, but not everyone feels blessed.
6. Local Man Sick Of All This Gratefulness Nonsense

Even irrefutable visual evidence doesn’t convince P.A.Kane’s wife of his exceptional qualities.
7. Despite Visual Evidence Wife Of Local Author Still Doesn’t Believe He Can Walk On Water

Uncle Neil looking for a little love too.
8. Neil Young Pissed At Outpouring Of Love For Joni Mitchell Following Newport Return

Announcement coming as soon as I embellish update my resume.
9. Local Author Considers Run For Public Office In West Seneca

Still everybody’s favorite . . .
10. Christmas Shopping With Jack Conrad

The post Buffalo Mud Year In Review: OMG, This Shit Again appeared first on buffalomud.com.

The Wave, which gained popularity in the 1980’s is a spontaneous group behavior at a sporting event where a section of fans moving in a clockwise manner briefly stand and throw their arms in the air followed by the next section of fans repeating the process until the act creates a visual wave like simulation. 

Throughout the 80’s the Wave was the rage at nearly every large sporting event throughout the world. But by the 90’s it had largely died off as a phenomenon except for when a fan base was maybe feeling a little nostalgic or ironic. Or when a town’s fan base is grievously stuck in the past and has an inferiority complex as big as Dr. Phil’s fleshy Texas sized forehead.

And if any fan base is entitled to an inferiority complex it’s Sabres supporters. Not only have they not made the playoffs in twelve years, they also haven’t won the Stanley Cup since their inception in 1970. Even with nine time Stanley Cup champion Scotty Bowman at the helm for six seasons in the 1980’s the Sabres failed to make it out of the semifinal round. This kind of continuous, unrelenting failure wreaks havoc on the collective psyche of a community and produces things like the largest Dyngus Day Parade in the country, the invention of the electric chair, Millard Fillmore and this pitiful, never-ending display of lameness, long dead in other sports cities—the Wave.

Buffalo Mud asked members of the community their feelings about the Wave:

John Toosenberry of Clarence said: “You know how Bills fans break tables? Those pathetic Wave doing Sabre fans should go to the top of a parking garage and jump off and break their faces on the asphalt.

Elaine Mackerel of Sloan replied that: “My family has season tickets and there’s this guy in our section, I think his name is Jimmy and he’s so hot. He has most of his teeth and a little beer gut and he always really goes for it during the wave part of the night. I get so worked up when he throws his arms in the air and his Chris Dury jersey inches up so I can see his little hairy beer belly. I’ve been trying to catch his eye but it just hasn’t happened yet.”  

Clinton Botwin of Buffalo fumed: “Forget the fucking wave, beers are thirteen fucking dollars at that shithole.” 

Mayor Byon Brown of Buffalo said: “I think with the wave what you’re seeing is the movement of people. It’s mostly a vertical up and down movement. But no matter how people move during the wave, you cannot dispute that it is movement. I’d like to add that the game of hockey, which is played on ice, features movement, often because of the ice, very fast movement. And, that’s what I think about the Wave. 

Marc Roodenthump of Williamsville shook his head and said: “Of course it’s lame, but what have Sabres fans had to look forward to for the last twelve years. It’s like when we’re at the bowling alley on Saturday nights and “Don’t Stop Believing” comes pouring out of the sound system and in that blissful moment the world stops for the lonely, for the dispossessed, for those with seven-ten splits and for those trying to get into the new waitress’s pants without their wife catching on. Let them have this you Buffalo Mud pricks.      

The post Lame Third Period Wave Marrs Rick Jeanneret’s Glorious Final Call appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—While the weekly anxiety inducing third-quarter swoon by Josh Allen and the Bills falls squarely in line with the futility of Buffalo sports teams, this year the Bills have hung on for eight wins in eleven starts and are poised to win the AFC East. But as the calendar inches toward Christmas, the long suffering, self-hating fans of Buffalo’s other professional sports team—the Sabres—are missing the misery of the Covid delayed NHL season.   

Brendan Lindahl, a retired K-Mart worker summed it up this way, “As badly as they can suck, I miss the Sabres. In normal times on a Tuesday night I’d be flipping on a Sabres/Montreal game. The Sabres would let two goals in the first five-minutes, I’d get angry, they’d tie it late, and then lose in overtime after a Ristolainen turnover. I miss hockey. God help me, I miss the Sabres.”

Allentown resident, Kip Longbottom was in agreement, “I must be some kind of masochist, but I’m going to feel this hole inside knowing there’s not going to be that mid-December press conference where the Sabres are already hopelessly out of the playoff picture and Ralph Krueger, Phil Housley or whoever stands in front of a microphone and says they understand how frustrated Jack Eichel is and that the rest of the team needs to take a hard look at themselves in the mirror. This will produce a shootout win, a one-goal win in regulation and then things will get back to normal and the Sabres will lose eight out of ten. Fucking Sabres, I need their bullshit so bad.”

Dom Delmonte, an Actuary with the City of Buffalo says he’s already missing the January “players only” meeting where a lot “tough stuff” gets said. He’s also longing to see that generational player, Rasmus Dahlin, trip over the blue line four or five times a night. And, he said, “I’m going to miss that feeling of rage when some goddamn announcer says Dahlin is the next Victor Hedman, when in reality he’s a young Zack Bogosian, but with an acne problem and a stupid Scandinavian accent.” 

Other fans have noted they’re really missing Zemgus Gingerson’s hustle and grit and his half-a-goal-a-month. Fans are also dying to see how much slower Kyle Okposo has become with the long layoff. And, most of all Sabres fans are anxiously waiting to be pissed off again by the disappearance of Jeff Skinner and his huge cap killing salary, which not only has limited the Sabres ability to sign other quality players, but has raised the price of a twenty-four ounce beer at the arena to forty-two fucking dollars.

The beginning of the 20-21 NHL season is yet to be determined, but whenever it starts, it can’t come soon enough for the self-hating fans of the Buffalo Sabres.

The post Self Hating Sabres Fans Missing The Misery appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Sitting with a bourbon and a Marlboro Light on the patio at  Charlie’s Boat Yard, the mascot expressed relief at being fired. “It’s been a good run, but I’m happy to be moving on. After I decompress a bit and spend some time with my family I’m going to be looking for a new opportunity more suited to my strengths.”

With the Sabres missing the NHL playoffs for the last nine years Sabretooth admitted it had become hard to remain motivated. “I mean, how many times can you repel from the rafters of the arena or shoot goddamn t-shirts into the crowd of semi-interested fans before it gets old? How many community events and parades can you attend, where little fucking kids kick you to see if you’re real before you want stick one of your furry feet right up their asses? Believe me, getting fired from this sub-five-hundred organization isn’t worst thing that ever happened to me.” 

It also was no secret that team ownership was unhappy with the mascot. “Look, everybody forgets the double duty I did with the Bandits (professional lacrosse team) all through the nineties or all the fun bits I came up in the midst of this neverending playoff drought. But you mention the words Dragon Lady, a couple/ five times within earshot of team president and owner Kim Pegula and the fucking world is going to end,” said the exasperated mascot.

Sabretooth also said he always had an issue with his mascot identity. “It’s just, if I’m supposed to be a sabretooth tiger, why is my shtick to be this lovable clod with two buck teeth as opposed to what a sabretooth really is: a ferocious killer. I guess it’s better than the original mascot—Sammy Sabre, but it’s always troubled me being both a sabre and a tiger. ”

NHL mascots had varied responses to the news of Sabretooth’s firing:

-Carolina Hurricanes, Stormy—He’s a legend. I really looked up to him. Nobody could get the wave going like Sabretooth.
-Toronto Maple Leafs, Carlton The Bear—Sabretooth packed in around 2000. That goddamn poseur been stealing money for the last twenty years.
-Los Angeles Kings, Bailey The Lion—I get Sabertooth’s frustration. The team should be represented by a sword or a knife, but he’s a tiger. Just like I’m a lion when I should be a king.
-Minnesota Wild, Nordy—Great. Now I’m never going to get the hundred I lent him when we were boozing at the World Mascot Association Championships.

After some time off Sabretooth is going to update his resume and start the long process of rebranding himself. He hopes the transformation will land him a job as a full fledged tiger mascot at Clemson or Auburn or in Detroit. 

The post Fired Sabretooth Happy To Be Moving On appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, New York—As we reflect back on the year that was 2019 the staff at Buffalo Mud has determined, after extensive research, the two saddest people in Western New York are republican consultant Michael Caputo and former Buffalo News Sports columnist, Jerry Sullivan.

Michael Caputo came of age in the Reagan era, and under the tutelage of now convicted political prankster Roger Stone, became a strategist and media consultant himself. Working as Roger Stone’s driver, after a short stint with Congressman Jack Kemp, he learned from the old master how to push up against the edge of the abyss without falling in. He spent time in Russia in the 1990’s and early 2000’s helping Boris Yeltsin win reelection and was an image adviser to Vladimir Putin, before returning to the U.S. to work in Republican politics.

Once re-established in the U.S. he took on the role as campaign manager in Carl Paladino’s failed New York gubernatorial bid. In that campaign, governing ideas were like the three crusty, rolled up dollar bills in your pocket after a night of blackout drinking. Brandishing a baseball bat, the main premise of Paladino’s campaign was—attack. Speaking to the The New York Times Paladino said of Caputo : “I’m facing some major demons here, and I needed someone who could go right back on top of them in a matter of minutes. You’ve got to let them know they are going to get punished.”

But gone are Caputo’s salad days of repping baseball bat wielding Paladino, or smearing Jon Bon Jovi while working for Donald Trump in his failed bid to buy the Buffalo Bills or telling women on Twitter to: “fix him a sandwich,” in defense of now convicted NY 27 Republican congressman, Chris Collins for insider trading.

Instead, Caputo now sits in a lonely office somewhere in East Aurora, N.Y. gaining sustenance from ringing church bells. He does a quiet little podcast, writes articles and is working on a book, where he and Roger Stone and President Trump are victims of the vicious, unfair Democrats and fake news. In a March 2019 Politico article, he details the pain and suffering he and others endured from being ensnared in Bob Mueller’s Russia probe. While claiming vindication, like the President, he fails to mention the report did NOT exonerate the President from the obstruction of justice or that six former Trump advisers and a slew of others have been indicted or have pleaded guilty as a result of the probe.

Now, with the President facing impeachment and Roger Stone and Chris Collins set to do some serious prison time, Caputo sounds almost defeated and in desperate need of self-care. Maybe some targeted “do my laundry” or “serve me a drink” tweets at strong women like Nancy Pelosi or Alexandria Ocasio Cortez would help him find his fire. Or maybe, a few email exchanges with his old boss Carl Paladino where the Obamas are depicted as gorillas. Nothing like a little bawdy, racist humor to help an old Republican strategist to get on their feet again. Better yet, maybe a quiet afternoon of spooning with Erie County Comptroller Stefan Mychajliw, with those church bells ringing in the background

Whatever he does, we hope he gets the help he needs and emerges from the ashes of sadness to be flaming asshole we know and despise. 

Next up in our look back at the saddest characters of 2019 is Jerry Sullivan, former columnist at the Buffalo News. After decades of being a front row commentator on the Bills and Sabres at the News, Sullivan now writes columns for the Lockport Gazette, The Amherst Bee and The Lorraine Academy Boys School, where his stinging criticism of the meatball bomber, which is served every Wednesday, recently led to the firing of three lunch ladies. He also hosts a daily sports talk show on AM radio at WWWHogivesashit 1270.  

Sullivan, a native of Rhode Island, grew up in an era where negative reinforcement was surely a driving force. After reading his columns for years and then hearing his abrasive, whiny voice doing radio spots, one senses not only was he a roto-geek, but the last player chosen in every pick up game ever. Also, it wouldn’t be a stretch to think he got slapped upside the head regularly by his parents, teachers, friends—really, anyone who could get away with it. 

Coming to Buffalo in the halcyon days of the 1990 Bills and the Sabres of Pat LaFontaine, Sully had to work hard to channel his negativity. But, as the population of the city contracted, he found a way—often having public battles with All-World Defensive End, Bruce Smith and by trying to draw out beloved coach Marv Levy’s edgy side, which was just a poke or two away beneath his erudite veneer. 

But with the 2000 Bills season, came the beginning of nearly two-decades of futility that resulted in four general managers and nine head coaches. The Sabres would remain competitive until 2010, but have missed the playoffs for the last nine-years. Like when Inigo Montoya finally chased down his father’s killer in the Princess Bride, starting in 2010 Sully finally chased down the true darkness he sought covering Buffalo’s major sports teams. The extreme futility and failure of these teams led to Sully call out everyone from Terry Pegula to Rex Ryan to Tyrod Taylor, even the saviors, Josh Allen and Jack Eichel. But after nearly a decade of this nirvana of negativity, which saw Sully walking around with a perpetual hard-on, the News in a giant purge of the sports department bought him out, saying his antagonistic style was bad for business.

Furthermore, his fall from grace from the News, coincided with the rise of a competent Bills team, front office and coaching staff, which has seen them make the playoffs two of the last three years. The Sabres are still in a morass, but may be showing signs of life propelled by superstar Jack Eichel. All of this blunting Sully’s gruesome negativity. It’s really so sad and disheartening looking at his Twitter feed and see him praise Josh Allen and the Bills or talk about how Jack Eichel will go off against the Bruins. These days, a guy like Sully seems more suited to cover an inept team like the Cleveland Browns with their horrendous front office, coaching staff and it’s talented, but underachieving players, rather than the rising Bills.  

Hopefully, Sully will receive a job offer in Cleveland or Los Angeles. The Rams have traded away first-round draft picks like they were candy corn at Halloween and are destined to suck for at least a decade. But, here, right now in 2019, seeing him hopeful and positive makes Jerry Sullivan one of the saddest people in Western New York.  

The post The Two Saddest Western New Yorkers Of 2019: Michael Caputo and Jerry Sullivan appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo NY— In the long, knife twisting history of Buffalo sports futility No Goal is only out flanked by Wide Right.

June 19, 2019 marked the twentieth anniversary of Brett Hull scoring the game winner in the third overtime of game six, giving the Dallas Stars their fourth and decisive victory over the Buffalo Sabres in the 1999 Stanley Cup final.

The No Goal controversy stems from Hull having his left foot in the crease before a sprawling Dominic Hasek when he scored the goal. The NHL had introduced a rule in the 98-99 season not allowing offensive players to score from inside the goaltenders crease. Goals scored by players in the crease had been overturned all year long, but not Hull’s, which sealed the cup for the Stars.  After the game the NHL produced a memo they said was distributed to teams before the playoffs, which amended the in the crease rule, thus allowing for the goal. No one recalls ever seeing the memo until the game was over that June night at 2am in the morning.

Twenty years later No Goal is seemingly bringing out the worst loser tendencies in people all over Western New York.

Cheryl Wopnewski, an X-Ray technician at Sisters Hospital says, “Every year at this time, not only do I get seasonal allergies, but every loser thing I ever did seems to come back to me. The threesome in the park back in high school, voting for George Bush, the tramp stamp I let Jimmy talk me into. Normally I have perspective about these things, but it gets to me at this time of year. It’s been especially bad this year on twentieth anniversary- all of the sudden my friends are sending and posting pics of me from that summer I was into nu-country and wore nothing but cowboy hats and boots and was all over social media saying I wanted to have Toby Keith’s love child. It’s so embarrassing.  Makes me want to cut off my hair, get a giant tub of Ben & Jerry’s and lay on the couch in my sweatpants and binge all eight seasons of the Gilmore Girls

Declan Muldoon, a producer at WECK radio feels it too. “Yeah, at this time of year I seem to let every hater I ever knew back into my head. I think about that time in school when I kicked Joey Flett in the stomach and he puked all over the floor. I know, he was like ten and I was fourteen, but he still had it coming to him. This year I also can’t seem to stop thinking about my old girlfriend Daffney Pinkerton. My 401K went up her nose, she slept with all my friends and she burned down my house, but there she is, occupying every third thought. And, you know what, I’m such a fucking Buffalo loser I would take her back in a heartbeat and start that shit all over again. I love that girl. If you see her, tell her my 401K is back up to two-hundred grand.”

Jon Spickler, an Operations Manager at the Erie County Sewer Authority has been waking up in a cold sweat for weeks. “I quit smoking about twenty years ago and all of the sudden I’m dreaming about cigarettes. I’m all disoriented when I get up and feel like a total loser because I think I started smoking again. It takes a moment to realize it’s only a dream, but those are some harrowing moments. Worse than that, in the last couple of weeks I’m feeling like I want to join the Church of Scientology. A few years back a bunch of were drinking downtown and took a tour of the church on Main Street, as a joke. But lately, I’ve been a little directionless and some of the things they said about achieving a State of Clear are really appealing to me. I’ve been rewatching the A&E show with Leah Remini about the dark side of Scientology on demand, but still feel helplessly drawn to it. God, I hope this passes before I do something really stupid.

People of Buffalo and Western New York realize a single sports championship won’t change their life prospects, but they do think a Stanley Cup or Super Bowl win would go a long way in keeping their worst, loser tendencies at bay.  

The post Twenty Years Later “No Goal” Still Makes Locals Feel Like Losers appeared first on buffalomud.com.