Self Hating Sabres Fans Missing The Misery


Buffalo, NY—While the weekly anxiety inducing third-quarter swoon by Josh Allen and the Bills falls squarely in line with the futility of Buffalo sports teams, this year the Bills have hung on for eight wins in eleven starts and are poised to win the AFC East. But as the calendar inches toward Christmas, the long suffering, self-hating fans of Buffalo’s other professional sports team—the Sabres—are missing the misery of the Covid delayed NHL season.   

Brendan Lindahl, a retired K-Mart worker summed it up this way, “As badly as they can suck, I miss the Sabres. In normal times on a Tuesday night I’d be flipping on a Sabres/Montreal game. The Sabres would let two goals in the first five-minutes, I’d get angry, they’d tie it late, and then lose in overtime after a Ristolainen turnover. I miss hockey. God help me, I miss the Sabres.”

Allentown resident, Kip Longbottom was in agreement, “I must be some kind of masochist, but I’m going to feel this hole inside knowing there’s not going to be that mid-December press conference where the Sabres are already hopelessly out of the playoff picture and Ralph Krueger, Phil Housley or whoever stands in front of a microphone and says they understand how frustrated Jack Eichel is and that the rest of the team needs to take a hard look at themselves in the mirror. This will produce a shootout win, a one-goal win in regulation and then things will get back to normal and the Sabres will lose eight out of ten. Fucking Sabres, I need their bullshit so bad.”

Dom Delmonte, an Actuary with the City of Buffalo says he’s already missing the January “players only” meeting where a lot “tough stuff” gets said. He’s also longing to see that generational player, Rasmus Dahlin, trip over the blue line four or five times a night. And, he said, “I’m going to miss that feeling of rage when some goddamn announcer says Dahlin is the next Victor Hedman, when in reality he’s a young Zack Bogosian, but with an acne problem and a stupid Scandinavian accent.” 

Other fans have noted they’re really missing Zemgus Gingerson’s hustle and grit and his half-a-goal-a-month. Fans are also dying to see how much slower Kyle Okposo has become with the long layoff. And, most of all Sabres fans are anxiously waiting to be pissed off again by the disappearance of Jeff Skinner and his huge cap killing salary, which not only has limited the Sabres ability to sign other quality players, but has raised the price of a twenty-four ounce beer at the arena to forty-two fucking dollars.

The beginning of the 20-21 NHL season is yet to be determined, but whenever it starts, it can’t come soon enough for the self-hating fans of the Buffalo Sabres.