“Yeah,” said Kolwaski, “none of these people can decide if they’re celebrating the end of Lent, Prince Mieszko, or if it’s just about getting laid. Usually, people end up arguing. They call out each other’s mothers’ pierogies and threaten to shove pussy willows where the sun doesn’t shine—and not in a loving, freaky way.”
The most reasonable revelers Kowalski said, are those who have observed a restrictive Lenten practice. One of those revelers who was ready for this celebration was Karol Kaminski, an Actuary for the City of Buffalo.
“Since the first of the year, my bowl has been filled with a $109 million budget hole, and for the last forty days, my dinner bowl has been filled with gulumki soup. You know what the main ingredient in gulumki soup is? Cabbage—I’ve been eating cabbage fucking soup for forty days. So yes, I’ve earned my Krupnik, sausages, and paczki. And, I’m going to sit here and get shitfaced, listening to the dulcet sounds of “Who Stole the Keeshka?,” and “Too Fat Polka,” while losers all around me argue about the purpose of Dyngus Day.
The focus of those who argue about the purpose of the day generally revolves around Prince Mieszko. As a Duke, he unified Poland into a single state during his reign from 960 to 992. He also taught the Polish people not to stand in a circle when stoning someone to death (very handy with the invention of firearms in the 14th century), and not to go home to get a ladder when the bartender says drinks are on the house. He also instructed people about language. That, Odwracać kota ogonem (“To turn the cat around by its tail”) is an expression about distorting facts, not an invitation to spin a cat around by its tail because Zbigniew got caught wearing his wife’s undergarments that somehow ended up in his kufer (chest).
“It is generally accepted that those who want to make the day about Mieszko are the most argumentative and the biggest assholes,” said Kowalski.
The last thing Dyngus Day might be about is love, or at least getting laid. Integral to the celebration is the handing out of pussy willows to people for whom you have amorous feelings.
Kowalski explained, “By the end of the day these Polish dudes, thick with Krupnik and Tyski, are incapable of expressing a coherent thought, and stupidly try to make the sale by whipping out their kielbasas. Often they’ll ask the ladies to touch, taste, or give them a little tug. It’s ridiculous because everybody knows a kielbasa has some length and girth, and these losers are packing all of two inches. So to save them the embarrassment of using words or exposing themselves, some genius dumbed it down to the pussy willows for these idiots.”
As trying as the day can be, Kowalski still loves the celebration and the stupidity of it all. She’s just glad she’s not Irish, because stupidity is a month-long thing with them.
