Buffalo, NY—Skills familiar to many Western New Yorkers include negotiating a snowstorm, finding a good fish fry, and breaking tables after finishing a twelve-pack. Western New Yorkers also know how to lose. While optimism is high for a fast start to this year’s NFL playoffs, fifty-nine years of Super Bowl futility, nevertheless, has area loud mouths prepared for another Bills collapse.
Denny Dunselfaq says in the event of a Bills loss, he’ll be all over “X” doing the hate thing. “I usually don’t have my best stuff until the divisional round, but I’ll have some zingers for McDermott if they lose. Because, as everyone knows, he keeps time like a bony-armed drummer in a teenage garage band. If they go down, you know McDermott’s time management will have something to do with it. ”
Roy Rutu said he’s going to focus on special teams. “The Bills special teams have been shaky all year from Tyler Bass to the return game, and the Broncos have one of the best punt returners in the NFL in Marvin Mims Jr. If the Broncos end up with short fields all day, I’m going to destroy Bills special teams coach, Matthew Smiley—what kind of bullshit name is that anyway: Smiley? I’ll probably have some other complaints too, especially if Kaiir Elam gets on the field.”
Ron Redbone will be watching the run game closely. “The Broncos run game is horrible, but if they make some hay up the middle against the Bills soft run defense, I’ll be coming hard for starters Ed Oliver, DaQuan Jones, and rotational players Jordan Phillips and DeWayne Carter. They pay Ed Oliver $17 million a year, and at times, it seems like he spends it all on manicures and pedicures. It’s nice to have pretty fingers and toes, but c’mon, this is the goddamn NFL, do the Dan Campbell thing and bite some kneecaps off.”
Calais Crumb said he intends to lay the blame on Brandon Beane. “I know everyone is all jazzed about this everyone eats philosophy, but did you see Ladd McConkey yesterday against the Texans—9, 197, and a TD. In the regular season, he was 82, 1,149 for 7TD’s. While some will mistake him for a Nick Jonas knockoff and wonder if there is any relation to ‘80s Giants role player Phil McConkey, young Ladd is all Donkey Kong, and Beane could have had him in the draft instead of Keon Coleman. Anyone see Keon lately or Dalton Kincaid, for that matter?”
Sheila Shomacker intends to go wide. “Yeah, I’ll have a lot to say about the Bills if they lose, but I’m going to blow some other shit up too. First, I have another yeast infection from my boyfriend, Dirty Eddie. Next, my dog Ruby ate a random chicken bone when we were out for a walk, and I had to drop $400 at the emergency pet hospital to have it flushed out. My fucking work friend, Renee, won’t stop asking me if her recurring dream about Grace Kelly means she was or will be a princess in another life. I broke a tie-rod on my car after hitting one of the seven thousand potholes along the medical corridor on Main Street—that set me back another $350. Finally, my goddamn cousin Harry, who puts ranch on his wings, talks endlessly about wanting to see Rep. Lauren Bobert in a porn, and always tries to get the wave going at every sporting event won our family fantasy football league. He talked all year about being a Cinderella story, and it drove me fucking nuts. So, yeah, if they lose—lookout.”
The Bills and Broncos kickoff their wildcard playoff game today at 1pm at Highmark Stadium in Orchard Park.
