West Seneca, NY—Larry Puddlenut, an Algebra teacher at West Middle School is disturbed by the abundance of emails he is receiving from Joe Biden. A lifelong Democrat and contributor to the party he is used to receiving daily solicitations from Nancy Pelosi, DNC Chairman, Tom Perez and a host of party representatives. But now that Biden has jumped into the 2020 Presidential race and is reaching out to him, Puddlenut feels a little unnerved by the endless stream of emails coming from the Vice-President.
“I’ve always liked Biden and think he’s being unfairly maligned for mainstream positions he took earlier in his career. But, I gotta say with all this me too business coming up, I’m a little creeped out by all his shoulder touching, ear whispers and hair smelling,” Puddlenut said.
Puddlenut noted that he never opens the emails, but is still creeped out by the subject lines, which he can’t aviod:
“I didn’t see your response, Larry?”
“Larry, we need your help.”
“Coming directly to you, Larry.”
“Hey Larry, can we talk a moment?”
“Just looking at my inbox in my head I can see that crooked one eyed smile and can feel his hot, old man breath on my neck and it freaks me the fuck out,” Puddlenut said.
Worse yet Biden is now coming to come to Puddlenut when he is sleeping. He said that he often subjected to a recurring dream where Biden starts out looking him in the eye with his hands on his shoulders. After a moment or two he pulls him close and whispers in Puddlenut’s ear, “How bout you and I go to the park and play bury the oompa loompas?” At which point Puddlenut wakes up in a cold sweat, more than a little sure that Biden isn’t talking about the fictional oompa loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Puddlenut said he is determined to do whatever it takes to remove the Orange Monster presently occupying The White House, even if that means contributing, voting and putting up with endless fucking emails from and dreams about Joe Biden.
