Buffalo, NY—An unemployed forty-three year old restaurant worker from the Old First Ward, John Dunphy, alleged mental and sexual abuse against himself in Buffalo Civil Court last week. In the filing before Judge Leronda Williams the plaintiff, who was also the defendant, cited hateful, self-esteem crushing speech emanating from his own head and unwanted sexual advances committed by his hands on himself, including both groping and stroking, resulting in ongoing mental anguish. 
Audio of a recent exchange between Dunphy and his mom Toni, at their O’Connell Street home was captured on a cell phone and submitted as evidence. The exchange centered on a plate of freshly baked Christmas cookies, which were consumed by Dunphy. On the recording Toni Dunphy innocently asks John if he ate the cookies. After saying he accidentally knocked the plate on the floor, Dunphy confesses in a testy voice, “Yes, I ate them. I ate all the cookies and drank a half gallon of milk too and I’m not sorry.”
In reassuring tones Dunphy’s mom responds by telling her son it’s alright, she could bake more, giving rise to Dunphy’s combustible self-hatred, “I knew you’d say that, ‘it’s alright, don’t worry, everything is fine.’ Well, everything’s not fine. I’m a monster with no self-control. Everybody else can have one or two cookies, but not me, I have to eat the whole plate, It’s the same with pizza and hot dogs. Everybody else can have one or two, but not me, I need five or six because I’m a pig and a lout and a loser,” he could be heard screaming.
Court papers also explained Dunphy’s penchant for strong women and his lack of self control, which was backed up by the cell phone audio as well, “And you know what I did after I ate all the cookies mother? I turned on Judge Judy and diddled myself till I was all sloppy. Dilly Dilly to me. I know, I can just change the channel when I get these urges, but when I do, you know what happens?…Joy Behar is on CNN, Kathie Lee and Hoda are pounding wine on Today and goddamn Amy Farrah Fowler is everywhere. And, when I turn off the TV, that waitress from the Wayside, Doris jumps into my head or Shirley, the Rite Aid pharmacy assistant, who suffers no fools, comes to me and the result is always the same, loathsome diflement at my own hands followed by rounds and rounds of brutal self-hatred.”
Without really looking up from the papers before her Judge Williams noted, since this ambiguous thing called justice, rather monetary compensation was being sought, she was going to rule in favor of both the plaintiff and defendant with a referral to the State Mental Health Board, where Dunphy could find resources to address his ongoing problems.
Hearing the ruling Dunphy shot up from his seat and pounding the table with his fist yelled, “I don’t want a stupid referral, I want JUSTICE!!!”
At which point Judge Williams also stood up and from behind the bench said, “Excuse me, this court has ruled and JUSTICE, has been served Mr. Dunphy. You will take your referral now and get some help. However, if you choose to continue with these disrespectful outbursts I will have you locked up until which time you can conduct yourself properly in these chambers. Do you understand me?”
Dunphy just stood there with his head down, while Judge Williams repeated herself, “Mr Dunphy, do you understand me?”
After a moment Dunphy looked up with a big smile on his face threw his arms up in the air and triumphantly yelled, “Yes, yes, I understand. And Judge.will you please spank me…I mean, marry me?”
Annoyed court staffers then escorted Dunphy from the courtroom as he continued to proposition Judge Williams and yell “Dilly Dilly.”
