Orchard Park, NY—Despite solid families, big jobs, vacation homes in Florida and being the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author the follically-challenged Kane brothers still hurt.
For years there were the names: Skullet, Ass Head, Mr. Clean and Kojak, and others.. Friends would try to mollify the pain with Sean Connery and Telly Savalas are hot sanctimony. Maybe in the lunch clubs in London or Greek bingo halls, but if Connery and Kojak were in their mid-twenties with a domes like that and tried to talk to the girls drinking OV Splits at Mulligan’s Brick Bar in 1985, they would look at them with big eyes, then go back over to their friends, point and laugh derisively at them just like they did to the Kane boys.
Contrary to popular belief this kind of overt rejection did not build character or stiffen anyone’s resolve. It was soul crushing and led to lonely nights, considerable self-loathing and the purchase of many, many baseball caps. And, no— mistakenly getting the senior discount at Tim Horton’s in their early thirties didn’t make up for it. And, it’s never funny when they’re out for a walk and random Meals on Wheels drivers pull over and try to give them a peanut butter sandwiches with an Ensure chaser— it’s hurtful.
Also, people are mistaken thinking they have an affinity for other bald guys. They constantly have the famous Die Hard line: Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker, repeated back to them by noted chrome domer Bruce Willis or in a dumb British accent people will repeat Captain Picard’s famous: Make it so— line from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The only thing they want to make so is for people to stop with all the dumb comments.
Most disturbing is people don’t really see them at all. To onlookers they are just a mass of blotchy pink skin, like erasers on the tops of pencils. Nobody sees they are kind and sensitive. Nobody knows how they like holding hands and going for walks on dewy mornings. Nobody knows how they love puppies or how Ziggy (another bald guy) makes them smile. Nobody sees the little boys with flowing locks that still are very much alive in them.
Despite the ever present pain with the passage of time and real world successes, the brothers have become more philosophical about their shimmering ice capped heads, saying it’s just one more obstacle to confront and conquer.
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